Through the Realm of Fandom
by Do a Barrel Roll
Summary: To save their friends from bad characterization, Lloyd and Kratos must brave the realm of Fanfiction and face horrible cliches, ridiculous AUs, and bad grammar to protect the worlds, their comrades, and reality itself. Now co-starring oyako, drama, and ridiculous action scenes!
1. When the World Needed Them Most

**So...I think I was inspired to write this thanks to all the _bad _fan fiction out there giving Fanfiction as a whole an absolutely horrible name. When people hear of fan fiction, all they think about is bad, out-of-character porn written by grammatically incorrect, horny, middle school age girls. And this seriously bothers me...so now you're all getting this parody of everything we've ever known.**

**Anyways, if I owned Tales of Symphonia, I don't think I'd be having such a hard time trying to fund my college education...**

* * *

**When the World Needed Them Most, They Vanished...**

The fandom: A great universe that spans the realm of a beloved story, empowered by those who love this particular "fictional" world. Within the fandom is the true path, the canon journey taken by the characters on their road to glory. It can be a long path laden with walking, walking, and even more walking (Lord of the Rings, for instance, has about fifteen times that much walking), or it can be a short, simple road to the end...though who has ever heard of a short JRPG, am I right?

Ahem.

There are always those who will reject the true path, however. Perhaps they despised a particular character's emo-zation in the sequel, or maybe they disliked a pairing made officially canon by a certain anime adaptation. There's always the chance they loathed how a certain seraph decided to be a deadbeat dad and ditch his son to go live on a comet for some lame reasons, even. Whatever the case, these instances of hatred for the true path lead to rebellion, and this rebellion leads to cracks in the universe that can be either a wonderful blessing or the worst of curses from the depths of Niflheim itself; the fan fiction multiverse is born from these fissures.

A simple explanation of this multiverse is required for understanding affairs. Though the true path remains, separate tangents will spring into being when a willful person...wills it. In the cheesiest of explanations, if you just believe then all your wishes will come true!

...Except if your wish is to become Batman, since that would require killing your parents.

But sometimes these multiverses and the true path clash. Sometimes these cracks in reality become a true danger to the characters...such as now. And it is at times like these when these fictional characters aren't as fictional as we believe...

* * *

"Rising Falcon!" a certain Eternal Swordsman by the name of Lloyd Irving (Aurion? Irving-Aurion? Aurion-Irving? ...Bah, semantics) yelled as his swords formed a drill that PIERCED THE HEAVENS...as well as the chest of an angelic mage. He had other titles as well, such as Lloyd the Beach Boy, Lloyd the Peeping Tom, and most insulting of all, "You...son of Kratos!" but for his sake let's just call him Lloyd.

Little by little they were penetrating the supposedly impenetrable innards of Derris-Kharlan. It wasn't that hard thanks to the Eternal Sword, but the others on the Regeneration team lent Lloyd their aid with their skills, magic, and...unusual weapons.

A skeletal warrior flinched as Raine Sage, certainly the most terrifying Professor in the world, smacked it upside the head with her lethal green broom of doom, simply stalling it for the sake of a better offense on the horizon...

"Pancake time!" declared a grating, confident voice. No one else in the group knew what pancakes had to do with magical rock attacks - if anything, it'd be shish-kebab time - but Raine took it as her cue to flip back as Genis Sage the Dependent hollered, "Stalagmite!" and a great pillar of stone turned the warrior to dust.

On the other end of the battlefield, Sheena Fujibayashi, also known as WOW!, dueled with what appeared the be the Grim Reaper. Walloping the incarnation of death with, of all things, money bags, she gave it a firm beating before jumping to another enemy, leaving Death's defeat to her blonde angel friend.

"Item Thief!" Colette Brunel, known to many as Oblivious, cried as she accidentally tripped, falling face-first into Death itself with the twin tambourines in her hands jingling as she fell. From Death's mouth a bottle of red satay inexplicably slid out, but by now no one in the group really questioned the ditzy Chosen's thieving abilities. "Yay, I got something!"

Probably planning on using the satay later, Regal Bryant gave her a simple nod, too focused on the enormous horde of monsters and angels to speak. That morning the handcuffed president of Lezareno/Tethe'alla/the universe had woken up to find himself in a chef's costume he'd obtained a long while ago in Meltokio. Both Zelos and Genis, the usual pranksters, had denied switching out his clothes. They'd just said unseen forces had changed the buff man's usual lacy shirt that could've been in a Victoria's Secret catalog for the poofy chef's clothes, and thus he had been dubbed the God of the Kitchen since the clothes just wouldn't come off.

Seeing the deity of cooking in danger, a little rescuer came in the form of a pigtail-wearing Empty Soul called Presea Combatir, who smashed a supersized rubber hammer into another angelic mage, squishing the angel's head with a satisfying, adorable squeak. The taciturn girl, not minding her blood-spattered dress that made her look like the cutest ax murderer in history, only nodded and went to pulverize another soulless angel.

Back with Lloyd, our main hero was being his bad self and slaying angels by the dozen, but he eventually made the typical mistake of abusing Rising Falcon and running out of TP, leaving him defenseless. A fellow dual-wielding angel took the tempting initiative and began to slice poor Lloyd up, making the red-clad boy cry out in pain.

"Bud!' the self-proclaimed Gigolo Zelos Wilder cried out. Deciding to rescue the "damsel in distress," the effeminate yet masculine, pink-clad manwhore raced forth to shield Lloyd, but a man with a baseball bat and a beautifully deep voice like a perfect narrator's beat him to it.

"Lightning Bla-SUPER LIGHTNING BLADE!" Kratos Aurion, War God (but not God of War, this Kratos isn't a rapist), slew the angel about to eviscerate his son. The last of the enemies now dead, Kratos knelt next to Lloyd and murmured, "I thought I told you not to overdo it?"

Zelos, annoyed that Kratos had stolen his glory, shot back, "You did tell him that. You say that every time you heal somebody!"

The two men cast nasty glares at each other, making the boy between them very uncomfortable. Normally a party would just be too small for two traitorous, angelic, redheaded magic swordsmen, but Zelos's suicide by Lloud had been bungled and Kratos had decided bonding with his son was better than awkwardly bonding with his son's adoptive dwarven daddy, so the two of them were stuck together.

"In Da-Kratos's defense," Lloyd said to the man too pretty for his own good, "you've said some dumb stuff too. Remember? 'Demon Fang! Demon Fang! Damn, I must be a genius! Double Demon Fang!'"

"Bud, you calling me dumb is the pot calling the kettle-"

"Don't finish that sentence, Chosen," Kratos threatened as he finished healing Lloyd. It sailed over Lloyd's head for a good minute before he realized Zelos was calling him dumb, at which point his squawks of righteous indignation were drowned out by the rest of the party congregating around them.

"Which way is Mithos's Castle from here?" asked Colette, combing her tangled blonde hair with delicate fingers.

"I can't believe we get lost every time we come here," Sheena moaned, sick of the winding maze of Derris-Kharlan. "Still, I guess you gotta do what you gotta do..."

"Amount of time until party reaches level to complete all sidequests: three hours and fifty-three minutes of gameplay." The group collectively sighed at Presea's words but still listened, a few of them even sitting down as she spoke.

"Well, we could always take a break to eat lunch," Lloyd sagely suggested. It came as little surprise that Lloyd's mind was on food, but in reality angel slaying really made the tummy rumble, even Kratos's.

Genis nodded in accord and reached for his bag. "Sounds good to me! We could always...always..." Without warning the shrimpy half-elf sunk to his hands and knees, gasping in astonishment and pain.

Lloyd, unsure of what was going on, could do nothing but watch in horror as all his friends but Kratos collapsed one by one before his eyes. "Guys! Guys, what's going on?!" He knelt down and shook Sheena's shoulder, worry overtaking his normally jolly features. "Sheena, answer me! Colette, Professor Sage, Genis...gah, even you, Zelos! What's happening?!"

Now frantic, Lloyd instinctively glanced up to his father for reassurance, but the older man could not deliver. Kratos, though he always had the complexion of a blizzard, was even paler than normal. His eyes were wide with barely concealed panic and his grip on his baseball bat was tighter than Yggdrasill's villainous disco pajamas. "Lloyd..."

"What-" Lloyd's hand, once on Sheena's shoulder, now fell through air: the curvy ninja had vanished, leaving nothing behind but speckles of light where she had once sat. "SHEENA!"

Looking up, Lloyd felt his stomach twist and churn. His friends were all disappearing the way Sheena had, one by one. Genis, the last to leave, could only pitifully call out, "L-Lloyd..." before he vanished too, and only Lloyd and Kratos remained.

Lloyd didn't understand what was going on, what he was feeling, or anything. All he could feel was numb, his mind clouded with confusion and his breath snatched away from him just like his friends. His friends had just been there, they'd just scraped out of a battle, they were supposed to be fine...

A touch of leather brushed his arm and Kratos knelt by his side, gently shaking his shoulder. "Lloyd...Lloyd, can you hear me?" he anxiously murmured.

"Wh...what just happened?"

_"Once again, your friends are alive, Master of the Pact," _Lloyd and Kratos both jolted as the voice of Origin reverberated throughout the otherwise deserted area. _"However, the situation is still more dire than you can imagine." _

To Lloyd's wonder, he could faintly feel Kratos's hand trembling on his shoulder. Frankly he was surprised Kratos still had his hand on his shoulder even now, but if he was honest with himself...he was actually glad it was there. "So it's true...so they were taken by one of those monsters."

Lloyd was trying to sort through his bamboozlement in order to ask what was going on, but for now his mind was still more muddled than it ever was during one of Raine's lectures on aerodynamics or something. _"Unfortunately, yes," _said Origin. _"Lloyd was protected thanks to our pact, and I imagine you are safe due to...past experience, but the others..." _

"Hang on," said Lloyd, finally finding his voice for good. "Who took my friends? What happened?"

The tense silence of Kratos and Origin spoke volumes regarding their hesitance and anxiety regarding the subject matter. On one hand, not telling Lloyd would mean leaving his friends to a fate worse than death. On the other hand, Kratos didn't want to tell Lloyd the truth regarding the fate of his friends. To do so would shatter the innocence Kratos had tried so hard to protect on this journey, despite Kratos's poor parental decisions to not confess to Lloyd about the truth of Cruxis, to not let Lloyd learn of his true allegiances to his son, and to let his young and corruptible boy travel with a gigolo. Mulling over the tough decision, Kratos vowed to himself to buy a copy of Parenting For Dummies next time they were in Sybak.

_"Will you give him the talk, or shall I?" _inquired Origin.

Kratos sighed in defeat, and Lloyd wondered what Origin meant by the talk. It better not be THAT talk. Raine had once lectured the class on the bird and the bees, and while Lloyd still didn't understand what she'd been talking about, to this day he was still scarred by that weird, funky demonstration with the hot dog...

"Talk about what?" he finally asked, deciding to be a brave soul.

Kratos heaved his final sigh, relenting and asking his son, "Lloyd, what do you know about fan fiction?"

* * *

**And that's a wrap for the teasing first chapter. I've got this mostly outlined in my head, but I want to ask you guys for a few opinions:**

**First of all, what pairings do you want to see, if any? I'm going to keep anything related to pairings to a minimum, with exception to the parodies of lemons, limes, love triangles, etc., but I'm always willing to write a little bit of it on the side.**

**Second of all, who do you want to appear first? There are a few characters I'm saving for last, but the other characters could show up in any order. Basically, who's your favorite character that you want to have the most screen time?**

**Finally...does anyone play Pokemon X or Y? I'm doing this thing where I give out "Happy Cyndaquils" because I was so happy when someone traded me a Cyndaquil that I wanted to give everyone a Cyndaquil of their own, so if you like trading let me know! I've got all the starters! ...That was off-topic.**

**Anyways, just let me know your answers in a review or something...or you could always just tell me what you thought so far about this! Hint, hint. **


	2. Sub Is a Sandwich, Not a Position

**And here's chapter two! A long-winded explanation of fan fiction, the introduction of the main villain and her obsession with angelic Starbucks, several overbearing father moments, and a wonderful romp through the first realm of semes and ukes and why do characters only get classified as one of three types of people...**

**Here's a big thing: this story isn't going to be one hundred percent parody. I have some family moments, some action, some character development (weirdly enough), and possibly even a couple sad scenes, though I'm trying to find my way around a big one. I didn't want to just replicate Those Lacking Spines, I wanted to be more original, so I'm making it my own by genre mashing.**

**The Lazy Anon: I had to give you a personal reply because of reasons. First off, "spork with Lloyd" made me laugh a little too hard, but the whole parodying of Zelloyd will be happening...this chapter actually! The actual Colette won't be appearing until the second act, but I hope you like what I'm doing with the AU versions of the characters, and as for Genis...well, you'll see! AND YOU SHALL HAVE YOUR WONDER CHEF, since you were nice and reviewed. Finally, with Kratos ****giving Lloyd the Talk, you're about to see how much Kratos does NOT want to do that, hehehe. **

**Anyways, I don't own Tales of Symphonia or any of the the material I'm making fun of here.**

* * *

**Sub Is a Sandwich, Not a Position **

"...What's fan fiction?" Lloyd was stumped. He swore he'd heard of it before, but it was only on the tip of his tongue... "Oh wait, is that those weird stories that they have in Tethe'alla? We found a whole book of it in a well in Mizuho, and Regal was really embarrassed that he liked to read it. Colette liked it too..."

_"You're on the right track," _Origin admitted.

Kratos crossed his arms over his chest defensively, carefully pondering how to break down fan fiction for his young, naive, innocent son... "Fan fiction is a series of stories written by fans of a particular, original story."

"Oh, so you mean what we're in right now-"

"Yes, yes, that," Kratos hurriedly said, trying to avoid a fanfic paradox. "As I was saying, us and the others are what many call the canon representations. We are not meant to deviate from the true storyline, but fan fiction writers typically create alternate universes in order to remedy dissatisfying endings."

Lloyd mulled over his father's words, surprisingly thoughtful considering his typical idiot hero tendencies. "...I don't get it. If they fix stuff that's bad, the what's so wrong with fan fiction that has you all freaked out like this?"

Here it was, the part Kratos did _not _want to explain. "...Because, Lloyd...approximately ninety percent of all fan fiction is _garbage._"

_"Kratos is telling the truth. Within fan fiction, one can find complete defecation of character, downright horrible plot lines, and vicious monsters known as Mary Sues, vapid demons posing as ridiculously overpowered and attractive females in order to take part in debauchery with every attractive male character." _

"Typically fan fiction will have no effect on us, the canon characters, but on rare occasion a writer will be so strong that they are able to rip canon characters from the true path, all in an attempt to strip them of their personalities...and their clothes," said Kratos.

"How come you known so much about this?" Lloyd just had to ask. Hmph. Typical.

From the skies came a deep, rumbling sound, and Lloyd flinched in amazement. Was Origin...laughing?! Kratos, meanwhile, was blushing as red as the tomatoes those of Aurion blood collectively despised, which worried Lloyd more than anything. The only time he had ever seen Kratos blush before was when a few of Zelos's floozies had decided they preferred a more mature redheaded swordsman than Zelos, and one of them had made the mistake of pinching Kratos's butt...

"Years ago, Yuan and I were swept away by a fan girl. I refuse to discuss what happened, but it took Mithos, the Eternal Sword, and an antidote to save us from the poison of bad characterization, and we filed a copyright on our lives shortly after that so no one could play God with our lives again."

"...I didn't understand a word of any of that, but I got it!"

Kratos's face became reacquainted with his palm. "...Did you land headfirst when you fell off that cliff?"

"I heard that!" Lloyd hollered. "So wait, you're saying my friends got taken by a fanfic author? Ugh, this is worse than the mess with the Derris Emblem."

_"Indeed," _said Origin. _"Using the Eternal Sword, we can travel through the various, basic realms of the fandom and search for your friends, but while I can protect your own personality from deteriorating under the stress of this mysterious author, I cannot protect your friends, nor can I protect you from being hurt or even killed in a fanfic. You and Kratos will be on your own in that respect."_

"That's fine, I just want to go save them from those writers or whatever already! Where are they?"

_"I can still sense your friends. As I said, my power will be very limited once we cross to another realm, but if you use the Eternal Sword I will be able to transport you both close to a friend or two of yours. If they are already poisoned with bad characterization, I trust Kratos will remember how to cure it." _

"I'll do what I can," said the seraph with a shudder.

Still confused by knowing he could trust the King of Summon Spirits and his kinda-sorta-not really traitorous father, Lloyd summoned the Eternal Sword and lofted it toward the heavens like a more badass version of Luke Skywalker on the _A New Hope _poster. "Gotcha. Origin, take us to our first friend!"

The air swirled around Lloyd and Kratos as the universe bent to Lloyd's will. No one noticed Lloyd's Exsphere as it glowed with a brilliant blue light.

* * *

_Swish...swish...swish... _Cackling with manic glee, the Grand, Majestic, Beautiful Authoress of All Things Beautiful let her glossy blonde hair swirl around her like a villainous Rapunzel as she pushed her hot pink swivel chair in circles with her dainty, delightful foot.

She was still relatively new to being an authoress, but golly gee, she hadn't realized how _fun _it could be! Seizing power over the lives of those pathetic, inferior members of the Regeneration team, though a lengthy process, hadn't been overly difficult. Now their lives (especially their love lives, those were _hilarious), _were like Play-Doh in the palm of her hand, ready to be molded in the way Her Majestic Powerfulness desired. Well...almost all of their lives.

A scowl clouded her gorgeous, charming features, transforming such awe-inspiring features into something...rather pretty still, but leaning towards the ugly side. Barely. That was right. Kratos Aurion, Yuan Ka-Fai, and Lloyd..what was it again? Aurion-Irving, Irving-Aurion, or...why did she care? They still remained, and out of her ultimate domain no less.

Sensing the bout of teenage, Harry Potter-esque angst about to wash over her, she sighed and reached for her doubleshot venti soy pumpkin spice latte with extra whipped cream, three pumps of vanilla and cinnamon dolce each, and a fine drizzling of chocolate sauce in the depiction of a angelic feather. It had cost her both ten thousand, nine hundred and three gald as well as five thousand, two hundred and sixty calories. Her best plans came to her when she was caffeinated, plus she needed something to occupy her ti-

She spat out her latte, disgust overtaking her unblemished beauty. "This isn't hot coffee, it's actually iced coffee! Lloydie, you lied to me!" she howled to the heavens, cursing the version of Lloyd Whatever-It-Was that worked at Khar-bucks in the coffee AU she always visited. Why did he always mess with the psyches of innocent angels like her?! No wonder the real Colette Brunel didn't trust baristas...

On a normal day, she would self-insert and venture to Khar-bucks to kill the trolling barista Lloyd, but today was special. Today she finally had seven of her ten primary targets gathered, and if she left she could miss out on news, the time to boss around her new lackeys, or even the chance to start her little game with the seraphim and Lloyd...

"High Ruler of Symphonian Fanfiction!" a vexing voice droned. The High Ruler in question smiled and turned to the page, a particular cutie-patootie with silver hair she desperately desired to braid and a pair of tiny shorts she actually thought were pretty fine. "The Eternal Swordsman and the War God have thrown themselves into the fanfic!"

She smiled widely and held it, letting an unseen audience admire her sparkling whites she'd assaulted with whitening strips just yesterday; little did she know that they were already dyed burnt orange thanks to her latte. "Thank you!" she brightly said. The page made no response but that was okay with Her Magnificent Magnificence. Pausing only to take her fifth selfie of the day (hashtag world domination hashtag bishies gonna bish), she returned to her swivel chair and began typing orders into a document.

The Aurions were in her world now...

* * *

When the light of the Eternal Sword cleared Lloyd stumbled and fell into a puddle, feeling as disoriented as a redneck hunter at a brony convention. Pulling his face from the muck, he loudly complained, "I hate teleporting!"

Kratos, on the other hand, materialized with catlike grace, striding over to Lloyd and easily hoisting the teenager out of the mud. "You'd best get used to it. Chances are good we'll run into portals, especially if we visit the crossover realm."

"...A what now?" Lloyd asked, smacking Kratos's hands away after the man had wetted his finger and tried to smudge off the dirt now caked on Lloyd's cheek like some of Pronyma's makeup. It was an odd attempt on Kratos's part at mother-henning, but he'd had a bizarre urge to do it, that dirt was bothering him.

"I'll tell you when it becomes relevant. For now just follow my lead, talk to no one, keep your head down, and don't drink any suspicious beverages from strangers." As they walked down a suspiciously normal-looking hill towards a city in the distance, Kratos, unusually talkative that day, continued to lecture Lloyd on the dos and don'ts of fan fiction. "Don't ever sing, it'll turn this into a songfic and those never go well. It doesn't matter how pretty the girl is, Lloyd, if she asks you to be her kawaii-desu-chan-san or anything else that resembles butchered Mizuhoan, get out of there; she's just a Mary Sue who wants to...do things I don't want you exposed to. Chances are good we'll land in a Harry Potter crossover eventually, everyone does..."

An hour later they entered the city walls, Kratos still lecturing Lloyd. For Kratos, it was important Lloyd knew every nook and cranny of fan fiction, lest he be torn apart by the vicious monster known as the authoress (Kratos had little doubt it was a female, they mostly all were). He smiled, feeling slightly, dare he say it, proud of his boy. He had done well, listening to Kratos's words of wisdom for the entire hike. Even so, he reminded himself that he still needed that copy of Parenting For Dummies...

_Zzzzzz... _Feeling his eyes nearly pop out of his head, Kratos spun in shock to gawk at his son. No, it couldn't be possible...had Lloyd truly fallen asleep walking? He had heard rumors of the boy's ability to fall asleep standing up, but this was on its own level. He wasn't even mad, that was impressive.

...Still, he needed that book. He'd probably end up smacking Lloyd with it, but he sorely needed that book. Now, how to best wake Lloyd?

The answer came so quickly to Kratos that he was almost ashamed, and though it seemed like a dirty trick to the chivalrous former knight he couldn't help a dark chuckle as he leaned in close to Lloyd's ear and said, "Raine made tomato soup again."

"KILL IT WITH FIRE!" Lloyd cried, less than an animal in his dramatic fear. Unaware of his actual surroundings, Lloyd curled up into the fetal position and awaited his inevitable death by culinary failure.

Instantly Kratos felt guilt saw at him. "...I apologize for that." Perhaps that hadn't been the best course of action. Now Lloyd would never trust him again...No. Even he wasn't this tragic, nor would he have given such a direct apology, even to Lloyd. The distorted mana in the air was tangible, and it was affecting Kratos's own behavior. He could smell it, and it strongly smelled like tragic backstory, bitterness, and...cologne? What in the world?

"Be on guard, I'm sensing something wrong with the mana."

Lloyd was still curled up like a giant red gumball, but through his fright he still managed to heed Kratos's words. "Why's that? ...And why am I on the ground?!"

"Though the authoress who instigated this fiasco cannot directly attack our personalities and rewrite the inner workings of our minds, we can still feel the overall auras of each fanfic's realm. This realm, whatever type of fanfic it may be, is already influencing our behavior - your sense of fear has increased tenfold and my...parental instincts have reared their ugly head, as well as my eternal guilt complex.

"Besides," he said, sniffing the air again to ensure he hadn't been mistaken. "This world absolutely reeks."

Lloyd blinked, disbelieving that the ancient, classy angel had used a word like "reeks", but he too took a whiff as he got off the ground. "...Yuck! What is that? It stinks like one of the richie neighborhoods in Meltokio!"

"That smell would be called Eau de Seduction - better known as Axe Body Spray," Kratos explained. "Many males of your generation use it to conceal their stench after not showering for years as well as to seduce young women who lack functioning neurons in their noses. Meaning it smells disgusting and fails at its job, but men don't aways believe that."

As they began strolling down a city street, hands gripping their respective weapons like their lives (and sanity) depended on it, Lloyd frowned at the state of their surroundings. "...If it smells so much like men then why aren't there any around?"

Kratos, having made the same observation, locked eyes with Lloyd and shared his worry. From this distance this city had appeared to be even larger than Meltokio, yet they had yet to pass a male citizen. All they had seen so far were women, and none of them were younger than their twenties or thirties.

"Da-Kratos!" Kratos flinched as he caught Lloyd's normal slip-up but looked the way Lloyd pointed, gasping to himself when he laid eyes on both Yuan and Botta, strolling down the street with a grin plastered on Yuan's face and a blank expression on Botta's. "How's that even possible?" Lloyd murmured in shock.

"Lloyd, they aren't the Yuan and Botta from our world. Remember that." Still, even he found himself wondering at both the dead man walking and the strangely happy Yuan. Perhaps Martel was still alive in this world? Heh, if she was then he wished them the best, even fanfic characters deserved that he supposed...

Lloyd was obviously disheartened but he still waved to the half-elven pair. "Still, maybe we can ask for directions! Hey there! Hellooooo!"

Kratos rolled his eyes at his progeny's antics but Yuan and Botta still came over, Yuan wiggling his fingers like a little demure schoolgirl waving to a boy, and Botta having a dark look on his face like he'd tried a whole crave case full of the greasiest White Castle sliders and was now regretting his dining choice on the toilet. "What is it?" asked the half-elven, British Wolverine impersonator.

Signaling to Lloyd that he would do the talking, Kratos stepped forward and asked, "I'm afraid we only recently moved into the area. Can you point us in the direction of the city hall or a similar establishment?"

While the adults discussed their boring adult business, the shy, awfully cutesy version of Yuan skipped like Colette in a flowery meadow over to the nearby patch of grass. Carefully shifting his cape as to not snap his neck, Yuan daintily sat down on the green and plucked a dandelion from the earth. By now he had Lloyd's undivided attention, a feat Raine would've eyed with green irises of envy.

Sensing the scrutiny, Yuan nodded his head and beckoned to Lloyd, patting the grassy space next to him. Lloyd still hesitated. He may be acting like a sweet little kindergarden girl, but he was still Yuan in his eyes. The man was about as trustworthy as a rickety rope bridge in an episode of Pokemon, and those only existed for the sole purpose of falling.

Even so, he had a gut feeling that he needed to listen to what Yuan had to say, so ignoring the Kratos-like voice in his head advising him to punt Yuan's sneaky head off he strode over and sat next to Yuan. "...Hi."

Yuan had an electric blue notebook in his hands and was furiously scribbling down some sort of message. Lloyd only had an instant to puzzle over this before Yuan stuffed the notebook and pencil in his hands, gesturing for Lloyd to read it while shooting nervous glances at Botta.

Lloyd, humoring Yuan, looked down...and he couldn't read a single word of Yuan's loopy handwriting. _I can't read this, _Lloyd wrote back, passing the notebook back to Yuan. _  
_

Yuan read Lloyd's reply, scowled, and wrote another message. Once again, Lloyd couldn't read it. "I have no idea what you're writing-"

"I said your handwriting sucks!"

Kratos and Botta both paused to stare blankly at Yuan, having been interrupted by his little outburst.

"What was that, Yuan?" Not-Hugh Jackman inquired, his frown impossibly deepening. Now he'd added Taco Bell to those White Castle sliders.

"Oh, nothing!" Yuan exclaimed, as chipper as a chipmunk. Out of the corner of his mouth, he hissed to Lloyd, "Act disgustingly adorable."

"Why would I-"

"Just do it!"

Recalling one of Zelos's most prominent floozies in Meltokio, Lloyd did his best to imitate a preppy giggle as he executed a cuter version of the trademark Zelos hair flip. "Teehee, you betcha! We're just super duper!" Lloyd had never given self-mutilation serious consideration before, but as Kratos gave him a horrified look he felt so ashamed he just wanted to punish himself.

However, despite discomfort all around, the ploy succeeded: Botta refocused his attention on Kratos and the super duper dynamic duo sighed in relief.

Meanwhile, Yuan pulled some sort of magitechnology literally out of his ass: he kept a fanny pack hidden behind his froofy cape. Swiping the tablet screen, Yuan opened up a notepad and typed a message to Lloyd instead.

_But really, your handwriting sucks._

_Shut up, Yuan! _Lloyd slowly typed back, unused to the letters on the keyboard.

Yuan kept shooting dubious glances at Botta but managed to type. _I do have a favor to ask of you, but first off who the hell are you and how do you know my name? _

_Oh, I know you in another life. You were a jerk who constantly talked in annoying clichés and then you tried to kill me._

_Of course you do. _Yuan obviously didn't buy the true story but he decided to let it go. _Listen, brat, you have to help me. _

_Why? _

_Because you two aren't from around here, so you're obviously not that guy's slave and I doubt your strange, older, redheaded look-alike there has been brainwashed like Botta or a lot of the other men. _

Lloyd read the message, paused, and peeked up at the strangely chatty Kratos. True, he was just wheedling information out of the (brainwashed?) alternate Botta, but when Kratos talked this much...he really did look like an older version of Lloyd. Just more bishie and debatably lacking a soul thanks to his hair being so close to ginger. _He's actually my dad, believe it or not, and what do you mean by brainwashed? _

Yuan looked from Lloyd to Kratos and back to Lloyd again. _...Hmm, I see the resemblance. All the more reason for you to help me, this city won't be safe for a pair like you two._

_What's wrong with this city, and why is Botta brainwashed?! _

Yuan snatched the tablet away from Lloyd and scowled. Ah, there was the Yuan that Lloyd knew and didn't particularly love! _If you'd stop stealing my tablet before I can finish writing then I'd tell you! As I was saying, this city is entirely ran by the Pimp Master and a gaggle of revolting women. What they do is kidnap all the men and either brainwash them, like Botta, or brainwash and/or enslave the remaining men to the brainwashed ones, like me. Then the women will force the men to engage in...activities for the women's enjoyment. _

_If you're not careful they'll gobble up your father like man candy and, God forbid, pair you up with him, they love to do that. However, if you go to the city hall it'll be your best chance to sabotage this whole operation the Pimp Master and his slutty lieutenant are running...that is, if you can fight. You're pretty scrawny, brat. _

Lloyd glared the signature Aurion glare (now copyrighted as well!) and stabbed at the keypad with his furious fingers. _We're the best you'll ever get, just you watch! _

_No offense, but they managed to take me down when they caught me in the middle of espionage, how do you expect to do better?_

_Did I mention how I totally kicked your ass in another life too? _

Yuan rolled his eyes but grinned wolfishly all the same. _Good. If things do go sour then I'm almost certain our rebel organization planted a spy who can get you out. Look for the only women at the city hall not dressed like a whore, that'll be her. She'll take you to our leader and you can go from there. Please tell me you're not a total idiot and you got all that. _

_Shut up, you jerk, I got it. Just a couple questions...what's a pimp? What are they using the men for? And what do you mean by "pair you up with him?"_

Yuan's blue eyebrows shot to his hairline, but seeing Botta marching toward them he closed out the notepad and opened a game, some hideous monstrosity featuring a suicidal bird and a series of illogically placed green pipes. "Aww, Bo-Bo, do we haaaaaave to leave?" Yuan whined, pouting. Lloyd had to restrain a laugh, and glancing behind Botta's shoulder he could see even Kratos fighting the same urge.

"Let's go, Yuan," Botta barked, taking Yuan by the hand and dragging the bluenette away.

Yuan giggled again and waved wildly to Lloyd. "Bye-bye! Good luck with your field trip!" His lips said to be happy but his eyes said that if Lloyd and Kratos didn't save him from Botta then Yuan would personally flog them.

"Botta was awfully gruff," Kratos muttered once the half-elves were gone. Lloyd didn't comment on the hypocrisy of that statement. "And Yuan's behavior was traumatizing, pity we didn't film that for blackmail."

"He's actually a pretty good actor in this world," Lloyd replied.

He quickly relayed Yuan's spiel to Kratos. When he finished, Kratos crossed his arms, a thoughtful frown on his face. "So as usual, the government is corrupt. How surprising."

"Wait, so you're not going to tell me what a pimp is either?" Lloyd groaned.

"I'll tell you when you're older."

* * *

By the time they reached the city halls Kratos had a vein throbbing in his temple thanks to Lloyd's incessant questions he refused to answer. Save at the Iselian Human Ranch when he, Lloyd, Presea, and the disgusting Tethe'allan Chosen had gone after Forcystus, he had never considered traveling with duct tape to employ as a gag. Back then he'd wanted it for silencing the Chosen's nonstop, ironic taunts regarding Kratos's "feminine looks" and traitor status. Now he needed duct tape to shut up Lloyd's questions regarding pimps.

Funny he didn't know what a pimp was when he'd pretty much traveled with one for months. Kratos's lips twerked into a snarl. Note to self: don't let Lloyd travel with a whore again without parental supervision.

Thankfully Lloyd calmed down by the time they reached the towering city hall. The interior had a garish color scheme of pink and gold, but the woman at the front desk was modestly dressed in a red tunic, leggings, and a Desian-like helmet compared to all the other employees they'd seen in metal bikinis and skirt-thong combos. This wasn't Final Fantasy, it was Tales, heroic women rarely dressed like prostitutes here!

"May I help you?" said the receptionist, and Kratos blinked owlishly at the oddly familiar voice, feeling something long thought dead race through him. Her voice wasn't the prettiest, but she sounded genuinely happy to see them...he had to watch himself, she could be their insider but she could also be one of those dreaded Mary Sues.

"Hi!" said Lloyd, leaning on his elbows and grinning at the woman. Obviously he thought this was the spy. He was far too trusting for Kratos's picky taste sometimes. "We're here to blow this joi-" Kratos subtly elbowed Lloyd in the ribs, making the boy crumple in anguish. Oops...perhaps that hadn't been so subtle. His bad.

"We came for information," Kratos smoothly covered for Lloyd.

She gave him a very long look, then she pointed over her head with a cheeky grin. "Well there, Handsome, if you'd looked over my head you would've seen the bright, obnoxiously pink sign that reads 'INFORMATION' so I'd say you're on the right track. How's your...friend?" Is he alive?"

Still coughing in pain, Lloyd propped himself back up on the desk and hacked on the woman's paperwork. "My son is fine," Kratos responded.

"Oh, so you're straight! Yay!" she cheered, clapping her hands together excitedly. Lloyd jolted at the sudden excitement and Kratos felt worry course through his veins. Was that...abnormal around these parts?

Then, realizing she had somehow done something wrong, the woman clapped one callused hand over her mouth. "Sorry, sorry...hope no one else heard me. You single?"

Despite her eyes being covered, Kratos could practically feel her gaze traveling up and down his form. The modest, nearly prudish angel uncomfortably crossed his arms over his muscular chest (why did females always have to do this? It made things so awkward, he'd even caught Colette checking him out before!) and said, "Widowed, actually. It's only Lloyd and myself now."

"Oh." An ashamed blush clouded her visible skin. "I, um...that's unfortunate. I'm so sorry, I can be so rude sometimes. Ha ha ha..." she trailed off, looking as awkward and out of place as Lloyd during a standardized test. "Well, so, if you're straight...why did you come here on your own?"

"We're new to the area and my new friend Yuan sent us here," Lloyd explained. Glaring dryly at Kratos, he added, "No offense, D-Kratos, but you hit like a Rheiard."

"It's okay, stud, I don't think they care about child abuse here," said the woman to Kratos. She sighed heavily. "Probably because there are no children around here anymore. You're lucky you got to have a kid, I always wanted one..."

Kratos hadn't been planning on asking, but something was nagging at him, gnawing at his mind, and he just couldn't take it. "What's your name?"

She shrugged, that kooky grin returning. "Well, the lady of the night in charge probably would want me to give you some ridiculous, long-winding name that includes at least a 'Sakura' and an 'Enoby' too, but-"

"Why are you talking to the men?" drawled a familiar, snooty voice that reflexively made Lloyd draw his Material Blades. Kratos displayed much more restraint, but he still twisted with inhuman speed to face a green-haired, sleazy half-elf in red lingerie and some sort of flying magitechnology contraption. Once again, another person from their lives was back from the dead in this world.

"L-Lady Pronyma!" the receptionist stuttered, standing up to shakily salute. "I'm sorry! Gah, I'm so sorry, they're just...visiting! Yeah, that!"

Pronyma elegantly raised an eyebrow on her cake-face, making Lloyd snarl even as he sheathed his swords. It wasn't fair, he could only raise _both _eyebrows at a time... "Oh, I suppose you came here yourselves to take the placement test." She sized Kratos up, then turned her ravenous gaze on Lloyd and cover be damned, Kratos felt the violent urge to chop Pronyma to bite-sized pieces and feed her to the beasts of Niflheim, and not necessarily in that order. "Right this way!"

Lloyd and Kratos cringed but decided the best way to figure out the going-ons and to infiltrate the building was to follow along. "...Test?" Lloyd whimpered to Kratos, eyes wide in terror. "You know I don't do well with tests! Remember Palmacosta?"

The receptionist stood, walked around her desk and reassuringly gripped Kratos and Lloyd by the shoulders. "Don't panic, Lloyd, it's just like a survey!" More quietly, she leaned in close by Kratos's ear and whispered, "She's trying to test if you're a submissive uke or a dominant seme in order to involve you in her pornography. Test too strongly as a seme and she'll capture you and brainwash you, but test as an uke and she'll capture you so a brainwashed seme can use you.

"Your best bet is to BS and make sure you're neutral in your results, it rarely happens but when it does she tries to kill that person. It sounds crappy but that's your best way out of here, and you'll be fine as long as the Pimp Master doesn't show up. I'll even help you out of here! Just be careful and don't die."

Kratos turned to look her in the eye despite her helmet, oddly comfortable with her this close, and that nagged at him more than anything. "I still didn't catch your name."

"Heh," she chuckled. "Give me your name and I'll give you mine! Or if you want I can give you my number instead...or not, that was pretty rude too. Tell you what, make it out of here alive and I'll tell you all you want about me, Mister Kratos!"

"...I suppose."

Seeing Lloyd nearly seizing up at the possibility of a test, she patted him comfortingly on the hair and said, "Wow, for being so spiky you hair's really soft! I thought I was going to stab my hand on it!"

Kratos dragged the paralyzed, frightened Lloyd away before the mysterious woman could fondle Kratos's own hair. The receptionist, now for certain their spy, smiled and waved before going back to her paperwork.

* * *

_Write your name here. _Lloyd grinned impishly to himself as he filled out the first blank on the test. Finally, a question on a test he knew the answer to!

The rest of the test, however, was multiple choice, and Lloyd was totally baffled.

_1.) In the event of seeing an abandoned puppy kicked down on the side of the road, do you:_

_A: Take it home, you love cute things and being nice because you're just so sensitive!_

_B: Coldly regard it and perhaps give it another kick, even if it reminds you of your uke back at home. Especially if it reminds you of your uke, actually. _

_C: Disregard it, you're too busy being a nag who just needs to die._

_D: Eat the puppy! _

Lloyd didn't understand why this was a question but he put A...who would even answer with D, anyways?

_2.) What do you get your lover for Valentine's Day?_

_A: Hairspray to maintain his sexy emo bangs_

_B: Your lover will accept whatever you give him, but he likes a good beating_

_C: Promises you don't intend to keep_

_D: A toaster_

Now what? Deciding to cheat a little, he gazed at Kratos. The seraph was snarling at his survey and muttering, "Anna just liked chocolate..." That didn't help Lloyd. He just put D, he liked toast.

_3.) Pick your favored position:_

_A: Dom/top_

_B: Sub/bottom _

...What the? "Hey, what'd you get for number three?" he asked Kratos.

"Circle random answers, Lloyd, I refuse to explain what these questions mean," the man hissed in fury as he circled yet another random letter. "The point is to avoid in leaning in one direction..."

Lloyd nodded and circled A. "Uh...what'd you get for number four?"

"Stop cheating, Lloyd."

* * *

Lady Pronyma chuckled darkly to herself as she made her fifth lap around the room. Business here at the Utopian Yaoi Ranch, based in the city hall for local convenience, had recently slowed thanks to the finishing of their infamous Nifty Tints of May trilogy, but the newest subjects that had just finished the survey...ohohoho, were they promising!

In fact, Pronyma had received the glorious opportunity to check out the new boys personally. The first was clear seme material - tall, dark, and spiky, with hair hanging over his eye to signal he was of the brooding type. Pronyma couldn't wait to work with that one.

The other was most likely an uke - a bit on the skinny side and cheerful. Even his reaction to the test was typical, hiding behind the seme until the dominant male told him to take the test. Maybe they'd even end up together for her yaoi artwork photoshoots! True, they did bear a resemblance to one another, but if blood relations didn't matter on Game of Thrones then they didn't matter in the yaoi work they produced here!

Their yaoi production had declined, despite even the best efforts of the Pimp Master to keep up their revenue, but these two recruits could be all the boost they needed. Yes, it was all mostly against the will of the men, but the women involved all benefitted!

Pronyma's patience was finally rewarded when a woman in a helmet and a bikini skimpier than Pronyma's own (why they were clad in swimsuits during a polar vortex, no one knew. Perhaps the cold never bothered them anyway), but she was enraged by her employee's words. "Ma'am, we believe there was a computer error, these results...they're just not possible..."

Her (hideous) beautiful face darkened as she sneered. "Why? They were perfect specimen and their results should have been obvious. What went wrong?"

The underling quivered in fear but showed Pronyma the computer monitor, eliciting a shriek of rage from the half-elven harlot.

* * *

"So how do you think we can sabotage this place?" Lloyd asked once he and Kratos were safely alone. "Raine isn't exactly here to blow this place sky high."

Kratos sighed. "Even if there was a way to detonate the building, we don't know if there are any innocents inside here, what with Yuan said about brainwashing and what the spy said as well. Furthermore, if my hunch is correct..."

"Your back looks fine, it doesn't have a hunch!"

Kratos simply stared at Lloyd for an awfully long time. His son wasn't that...stupid, was he? This was all his fault, dropping Lloyd on his head as a baby, honestly...it had only been twice, but Anna never let that go!

But no, Lloyd had a dark gleam in his eyes, a telltale sign to Kratos that Lloyd knew this place was fishier than a sashimi platter. "This place appears to be a manufacturing plant for yaoi material."

"You figured that out awfully quickly, consideting you're new to the area!" This time Lloyd and Kratos shunned restraint and drew their respective swords and baseball bat as Pronyma entered the room. Multiple guards who thought swimsuits were fine substitutes for actual armor trailed after all, all of them gigging as they beheld Kratos's muscular figure.

The green-haired harpy was glaring metaphorical daggers at the father and son, but if things got any worse Kratos knew she'd be throwing literal daggers at them instead. "Now riddle me this, you two!" she ranted. "Our test has exactly three results: seme, uke, and female. Dom, sun, and woman...now HOW did you two test out to be GIRLS?!" she screamed, spittle flying from her mouth like acidic projectiles all the guards ducked and covered to avoid.

"That's kinda a stupid system, don't you think?" Lloyd pointed. "I mean, anyone who gets dragged in here could just cheat..."

"Silence, filthy uke!" she bellowed.

Kratos, not taking his eyes off Pronyma, reached up with his gauntlet to slowly, dramatically wipe Pronyma's saliva off his cheek. "So this place is essentially a ranch for yaoi. You judge the men as either dominant or submissive, then force them into yaoi publishings whether they like it or not. Then you kill any of the women who try to help them, I imagine. How pathetic," he sneered.

Kratos had shielded Lloyd by pushing the boy behind him when Pronyma had become a saliva-breathing dragon, but Lloyd angrily shoved past to yell, "Will someone finally explain to me what you guys are making here?! What's yaoi?!"

Kratos went to change the subject but Pronyma - curse her to the final floor of Niflheim with only three furious, seraphic bonus bosses for company - interrupted by shouting, "It's PORN, you simpleton! PORN!"

Lloyd wrinkled his nose in disgust, just like a kindergardener who had caught his parents kissing. "Ewwww, so like that crap Zelos keeps under his bed?"

Kratos swore to cast Judgment on Zelos's mansion before Lloyd could peek under Zelos's bed again.

Lloyd and Kratos expected Pronyma to be outraged, or even to dramatically monologue on why porn was awesome in her mind. They sure hadn't expected her to gasp in surprise and say, "You know Pimp Master Zelos?"

Kratos's face, meet Kratos's palm. Pleased to make your accquaintance. "Pimp...Master...Zelos." He barely could believe the words he was saying himself.

"Ooh, you're calling for me, hot stuff? Say my name again!"

Lloyd stiffened and clenched his teeth, quietly dreading this moment of truth. _For the love of all things holy, Origin, please...please don't tell me that's the real Zelos._

Origin's voice, filled with so much annoying amusement, rang through his and Kratos's heads. _So you've finally found your first missing friend...good luck fixing this one's personality. _

He was dressed bizarrely in a white suit, a purple tie, and a douchebaggy feathered fedora, but his signature girly looks made him recognizable all the same. Grinning wolfishly, twirling his pimp cane, and flipping his hair like a girl in a shampoo ad (easy, breezy, beautiful, Covergirl. Especially the easy part), Pimp Master Zelos, King of the Semes, broke way too far into Lloyd's personal space bubble and sneered, "So what new meat for the market do we have today?"

* * *

**So that's it for part one of act one! Up next we have a more in-depth explanation regarding the Yaoi Ranch, some bittersweet and/or hilarious reunions with characters, and an awkward father-son bonding assassination outing. Stay tuned, stay classy! **


	3. Tales of Pimphonia

**I think this is the most enthusiastic I've ever been about a fic, I swear. Between getting ready for college, taking AP classes, and GRADE farming in Symphonia Chronicles, you'd think I shouldn't be spending my time writing so much...yet here I am!**

**This chapter: Zelos swinging the other way, a daring escape, a revelation that'll change the dynamics of the Aurion family, and Axe Body Spray. That about covers it!**

**Disclaimer: Insert witty remark about what I'd do if I owned Tales here. **

* * *

**Tales of Pimphonia **

When they had been teleported into the fan fiction realm, Kratos had secretly laid down a few rules for him to infallibly follow:

1.) Do not let Lloyd be sexually harassed or assaulted.

2.) Do not let Lloyd be exposed to anything related to sex, period.

3.) Kill anyone who gets within a fifty mile radius with those intentions.

4.) Make their deaths as slow, painful, and humiliating as possible.

So really Kratos couldn't be blamed for his actions as he slammed his baseball bat into the philandering Chosen's temple, just after Zelos had tried to cop a feel of Lloyd's nether regions. He was just abiding by protocol, after all.

Lloyd had swung Flamberge in horrified retaliation, but since Kratos had reacted first all Lloyd managed was to cut and singe off a large portion of Zelos's luscious L'Oreal locks, because he was NOT worth it. Channeling the spirit of Violent Demonic Banshee Fujibayashi, he shouted, "Pervert chosen!"

What was worse was that Colette had once taught him a jingle about the issue of sexual harassment, and now the lyrics, "Stop! Don't touch me there! This is my no-no square!" were repeating themselves in his head like a broken record.

Zelos stumbled but miraculously did not crumple under Kratos's formidable blow, even managing to draw his pink toy dagger...before he realized a good portion of his beautifully maintained hair had been torched off. "Whoa, take it easy, hunny! You may be cute, but no one touches the 'do! Why-"

The brainwashed pimp had to backstep again as Kratos went on the warpath, his batting average perfect as he repeatedly hit home runs against Zelos's super thick skull. "Ugh, take it easy, sexy!" he hollered, finally fending off a blow with his toy dagger. "I was just inspecting the little slice-"

"GRAVE!" Kratos's spell, superpowered by his fatherly fury, did more than just kill a few of Zelos's demented brain cells: the stone slabs smacked into Pronyma, the guards, and the innocent furniture, causing the sugary cappuccino machine to spew coffee everywhere and also the deaths of the kindly potted plants.

"Dad...I mean Kratos! Stop, you're going to kill him!" Lloyd cried. He had been showered with gravel and sticky coffee but was otherwise unharmed as he sliced more than a few of the unarmored female guards. "That's Zelos you're hitting, remember?!"

"I know that, Lloyd, and I have always wanted to do this!" Kratos bellowed back as he went to hit a grand slam. Zelos, however, refused to be a part of Kratos's morbid batting cage any longer and drew his flamboyant orange wings, flying up close to the ceiling.

"Chill out, man! You've got a nice body but you're too dominant for my tastes! Now hear me out!"

Lloyd, who had been in a standoff with the surviving guards throughout this ordeal, wrinkled his nose in disgust. Hearing Zelos call his dad sexy was just wrong on so many levels... "Look, Zelos, I don't know what's going on, but you seriously don't remember us?"

Kratos, incredibly enough, hadn't drawn his wings to give chase to the philanderer, allowing Zelos the freedom to check out Lloyd and seriously consider him. "Hmm...nope, I would've remembered a cutie like you!" he declared, hearts in his eyes the way they used to be when he talked about their female companions.

"C-cutie? Why you-"

"Although it is strange that you call me by my first name...I actually like the way it rolls off your tongue!" Zelos admitted, absentmindedly fiddling with the feather in his still-douchey hat. He grinned like the Chesire Cat on catnip, giving Lloyd a look the brunette did NOT like. "You know what? I think you'll do! Heh, it's about time a perfect match showed up!"

Pronyma sobbed in despair and collapsed, though thanks to her magitechnology she just awkwardly fell to her knees in midair. "NOOOOOO! Master Pimp Master, surely you can reconsider! I have so many great qualities! My makeup appliance, my kindness to others, my trustworthiness..."

Zelos narrowed his eyes in annoyance at her and Lloyd experienced a vicious bout of deja vu as Zelos told her, "I'm not really interested in chicks." Suddenly Zelos swerved in Kratos's direction and howled, "Demon Fang!"

But the attack was too late to deter Kratos's parental...err, judgment. "JUDGMENT!" The sacred powers cast their purifying light on these oh so corrupt souls, with Zelos twirling like a slutty ballerina as he avoided Kratos's deadly beams, swearing in Angelic as he did so.

Pronyma was knocked unconscious by a glancing beam, too caught up in her bitter tears of scorn to care as she was cooked medium-rare. The guards, due to their low HP, were all vaporized, but even more guards took their place, multiplying like rats during the mating season.

"You're both outnumbered, so listen to me!" Zelos finally snapped. "As I was telling my adorable little kitten here-"

"Don't call my son that!"

"Oh _shut up, _Daddy Boy. As I was telling my adorable little _sex _kitten here - is that better, Pops? - I am currently in the market for a bride!"

It took Lloyd a minute to connect the "adorable little sex kitten" remark with himself, and another to realize Zelos's insane Don Corneo ploy was also directed at him. His prompt disgust made him so queasy that he puked all over the knocked out Pronyma. The bile-smothered look was actually an improvement for her. "...Y- You know what, Da-Kratos? I...I don't care that it's Zelos anymore, you can beat his face in."

The terrifying angel of death did not go to inflict terror nor death on the Pimp Master. Concerned, Lloyd glanced up to his father, only to cry out as something nicked his throat - while he'd been spewing his guts out, a guard had taken advantage of his pukey state and raised her blade to his throat. Well, that'd teach him to be disgusted by his own unwilling marriage...

"Hey, you doing okay, hun?" Curse it all, the creepy, corrupted nutjob actually looked worried about him! "I can't have my bride getting ill so soon before the wedding! It won't be bad, I swear I won't even let Pronyma take dirty pictures of us!" Speaking of Pronyma, the half-elven harlot awakened screaming bloody murder, either at the vomit or at how she now resembled a moldy, burnt marshmallow. "I have it all planned out: You can make me dinner after work and give me foot massages, and I swear I'll only beat you when I need to protect my reputation-"

"Release my son," Kratos murmured darkly, shaking in rage but incapable of endangering Lloyd's life again.

Zelos considered it. "...Nah, I don't think so. Hey, he's like my own little jailbait now!"

"You heard the man, let Lloyd go, you ass!" Heads all pivoted to the doorway, where a certain conservative lady in red was holding a simple, rather plain sword.

"You..." Pronyma snarled at the city hall's receptionist, her Botox-loaded face managing to crack a tad as she swiped Lloyd's vomit off her face. "I always knew you weren't one of us!"

"You mean because I don't dress like a streetwalker?" their spy retorted.

"What makes you think you can save these two, anyways?" Zelos asked, trying to hold back a chuckle and failing. "I'm the Pimp Master, for crying out loud! I have thousands of guards, my angelic powers, and all the hostages possible at my disposal! You're just a simple little girl, don't be suicidal."

The foolhardy spy grimaced, nervously tightening her grip on the old sword. "I...uh...to be honest, I don't really know. I just felt like I had to help them...Man, I had a huge, heroic speech planned too. This all sounded so much smarter in my head!"

Kratos, noticing what the woman had in her _other _hand, felt his eyes widen, and he turned his wine-colored eyes on his son. _Plug your nose, _he mouthed, praying to God, Martel, and the dev team at Namco-Bandai that Lloyd could read lips.

Thankfully everyone underestimated Lloyd's intelligence, and the boy from the boondocks carefully avoided the sword to cut off his sense of smell - good thing, because Zelos smelled like he had dumped a washtub full of that Axe crap on himself.

Meanwhile, the woman continued to stall as she messed with the device in her hand, the one hidden behind her back. "Well, to be honest, I also wanted my own chance to give you freaks a piece of my mind, but I don't know if the Pimp Master has a mind left after Kratos's batting practice. You look like crap."

"Tch, mind enough to know you're a skank," Zelos growled. He let people call him a perv, a lech, a creep, and a douche-bag, but NO ONE. EVER. CALLED HIM UGLY...except maybe that sweet thing in the red jacket and suspenders, he could call Zelos whatever he liked.

The spy in question looked down to her modest attire and then to the Pimp Master. "...I don't really get it, but I got it...I think."

"Enough of this blather!" Pronyma broke in. It had been a whole page since she last had screentime, she needed to be the center of attention! Reaching back to cast Dark Sphere, she jeered to the spy, "Any last words, you inferior being?"

The spy took a moment, doing her best to think of something memorable that would end up as Facebook statuses everywhere and get thousands of notes on Tumblr. "Uh, Pronyma...you always reminded me of an eviller, ugly version of Jessie from Team Rocket, and Pimp Master, when I first met you I thought you were a flat-chested woman. Also, bye!"

And then she hurled down her homemade bomb.

The cobbled together device immediately exploded, filling the room with noxious gas. As the guard holding down Lloyd broke down gagging, Lloyd did a barrel roll and kicked her legs out from under her. Not stopping, Lloyd catapulted over the downed guard and delivered a silent, one-handed Psi Tempest to Pronyma's floatation device (personally, this narrator thinks little floaties on the arms are still cooler than what Pronyma had), even with his eyes streaming in agony and one hand covering his nose.

Kratos, meanwhile, tore through the room taking down every guard in his way, finally snatching Lloyd by the elbow and dragging him out of the room.

"This way!" called the only friendly female in the entire complex. Winding through halls and ducking into doorways like the Scooby gang in an M-rated version of a Scooby-Doo episode, Lloyd, Kratos, and the spy evaded angry females who wanted to watch some lovin' as well as a certain mind-wiped Chosen who wanted some lovin' of his own.

"Come on, baby!" he cried out as Lloyd and the Noishey Gang made their way toward the exit. "I'll even let you be on top just once!"

They had made their way out of the city hall but Zelos and his lackeys were hot (in more ways than one, if Zelos had anything to say about it) on their heels. "Dammit!" the woman cursed, snapping her fingers in frustration. "This would be a whole lot easier if you two could fly also!"

Without the proper mana in this realm, Kratos doubted their Rheiards would fully function properly, so he sighed and called forth his wings. "Is this what you had in mind?" he asked.

She wasted a wonderful amount of time just gaping at Kratos's segmented wings. "You...but how...do I know-ahh, I'll ask later!" To Kratos's shock and Lloyd's as well, she summoned her own green pair of angelic wings and flew upward. "Follow me!"

Scooping up a reluctant Lloyd ("I am not in a touching mood right now!"), Kratos followed, conflicting senses of hope and foreboding burning in his heart.

* * *

For being up in the sky, Lloyd's view sure did suck.

True, he couldn't fly himself. Yes, that did mean Kratos had to carry him like a newborn baby as they followed their guide into the unknown...but being carried the way he was, all Lloyd could see was Kratos's wings and butt. He didn't like looking at his father's butt. Actually, after this he wanted to see neither hair nor hide of a butt ever again. Especially Zelos's fat butt. Had he mentioned how much he wanted to kill Zelos right now?

Kratos, on the other hand, had that "I forgot to take a laxative" look on his face that he always had worn during their pilgrimage through Sylvarant. With his eyebrows furrowed like he was not a "regular" man, Kratos kept analyzing every detail of that woman's back, worry etched in his eyes.

"Hey, um...lady!" Lloyd called ahead of him. "What was that bomb made of? I can still taste it in my mouth and it's making me want to puke again..."

"Please don't do that," spoke Kratos with a grimace.

"It was made of three cans of Axe Body Spray and a little Fireball spell!" she yelled in reply. "The cans said it was supposed to smell like chocolate though, not chocolate-coated feces..."

"Does everyone else in your rebel organization have Cruxis Crystals?" Kratos questioned, as business-oriented as ever.

"Hmm? Oh, yep, most of us do. They're the only edge we have over the Yaoi Ranch employees, but Zelos's Crystal is special, better than all of ours somehow. Plus he has this ridiculously thick skull, probably a side effect of being an idiot. We sent a sniper after him once and the arrow bounced right off his forehead, it was amazing!

"By the way, why do you two have Exspheres? They're hard to find anymore..."

She angled downward and the Aurion boys followed, touching down in an abandoned alleyway. "We stole them," Kratos spoke the half-truth. Well, Kratos had stolen Anna and her Exsphere from Kvar's ranch, and he himself had stolen his Cruxis Crystal when he had deserted Mithos...

To his relief, the woman bought it. "Good for you! Nice to see some other people besides us Cruxians raising some hell!"

Lloyd sputtered, prying himself away from Kratos as he backed very far off. Right now he yearned for nothing more than some personal space. "Cruxis? But Cruxis is evil!"

She cocked her head to the side, knocking her helmet slightly askew. "Who's been feeding you that garbage? I mean yeah, there are some jerks like Yuan with us, but there's some good guys, at least in this version of..." She frowned and shook her head. "That again? What am I talking about...?"

Now Kratos's self-control had finally dwindled down to nothing. "Who are you and why did you blow your cover for our sakes?"

She blushed, leaning tiredly against the nearest stone wall as she ran a hand over her jaw. "I...well, you're going to think this is stupid-"

"We'll hear you out," Lloyd reassured her.

"Right...well, when I first talked to you guys earlier - and this is where it gets weird - I remembered something..."

Kratos's heart beat a little faster. Lloyd, hearing the man take a deep, calming breath, glanced to his father and widened his eyes. Why did Kratos look pained?

"What did you remember?" Kratos inquired desperately, pushing aside everything he was feeling. Conceal, don't feel, don't let it show...it was his motto first, Elsa!

Embarrassed by her own words, the woman turned away from them, scratching her neck sheepishly. "It was weird. I remembered just being trapped, but I also felt like you two were there, and that made me...happy? It made me happy for some reason. And Lloyd - I know this'll sound crazy - but...we kinda act alike!"

Not seeing Lloyd's worried eyes, not seeing Kratos's pale expression, she gave her helmet a tug. "Hang on, I gotta take this off. I feel like a stormtrooper in this thing and I don't want to become a crapshot like them."

She pulled off the helmet and let her brown hair tumble down, flashing the father and son a grin that was reflected in her bright brown eyes. Lloyd heard Kratos suck in an anguished breath, but Lloyd couldn't bring himself to look away once. He couldn't remember being around this woman yet her face was one he had memorized, for the same face had often smiled at him from Kratos's locket around his neck.

"...What?" Anna asked, her grin faltering. "Do I have food on my face again?"

* * *

**...Thaaaaaaat's Anna! And so we reveal the first pairing featured in this fic, Kratos and Anna...although this is going to get complicated very quickly.**

**Up next: Getting to know someone's mama and the drama that entails between Lloyd and Kratos, certain revelations regarding said mama, torture and suffering, hilariously OOC AU version of some old friends, and an approaching SHOWDOWN. **


	4. Parental Instincts, Unwitting or Not

**Writing this chapter while Frozen is playing as background noise... No, Anna, I don't want to build a snowman! We finally got out of that polar vortex, I don't want it to come back! Also, having soup, roast, and ice cream at a wedding sounds delicious...**

**I don't own Tales of Symphonia...obviously. **

**This chapter: Mother-son bonding to accompany the following father-son bonding, flirting, unusual angsting in a parody fic, an arduous maze, the only OC in this fic who isn't a parody of Mary Sues or authors, torture, and finally meeting more characters. Possibly a language warning for a certain character up ahead, I cringed a little when writing some of that but it just...happened. **

* * *

**Parental Instincts, Unwitting or Not **

To Kratos, this alternate Anna was an enigma. Thus far, everyone they had met in this alternate universe was at least somewhat different than their true selves - yet Anna was exactly the same as he had known her. Outgoing, a little nuts, flirtatious, socially inept, highly intelligent, and braver than she knew what to do with...

He couldn't bring himself to look at her. Every glance was only a foul reminder of the way she had died in his own world, yet he _had _to look at her...and it was a conundrum: other than the Cruxis Crystal and rune crest neat her throat, she was identical to his Anna, personality and all.

"It's this way!" she called over her shoulder to the lingering seraph. Unlike Kratos, Lloyd was up ahead with Anna, trying to get as much information out of her as possible. Him and Lloyd had only discussed Anna once, on a quiet night after a long day in Altamira, and the boy still thirsted for more information about her.

"What's your favorite color?"

"Oh, probably green. Red's nice too, but that's just because it reminds me of...um...someone, I think."

Lloyd. Lloyd had picked out a red coat for her birthday one year, claiming everyone in the world should wear red...

"When's your birthday?"

"The eighth of May! Yours is the fifteenth of October...and why did I say that?"

And she driven Kratos insane every time he had forgotten that date, claiming four thousand years had turned him senile. Sprinting to the store and picking out a present was harder to do when your ears had been talked off...

"What do you like to drink?"

"Lemonade, and champagne too, but...well, lemonade for most days."

Once she had snorted lemonade out of her nose when she found out Lloyd had played dress-up with Daddy. Daddy had been coerced into wearing hair ribbons and one of Anna's bras on his head, Lloyd having thought it was a bonnet...

The two quizzed each other like this for about an hour, Lloyd his usual excited self and Anna doing her best to listen to everything Lloyd said. Anna had made them land a ways away from the Cruxis base, claiming she wanted to ensure they weren't being followed.

"Where is the base?" Kratos had to ask.

"It's in a place no one would be able to find it," stated Anna, leading them across a street toward a shopping mall. "The most difficult place to navigate in the world..."

* * *

"Hollister?" Kratos dubiously read the sign in front of the dark, dim clothing store in the mall. Great, a teens' clothing store, more chances for creeps to attempt to molest his son, the perfect place for an ambush...

Anna didn't share his pessimism. "Yes indeed! The most difficult place to navigate in the world. Sheena suggested it to us years ago and we haven't been discovered yet, it's so dark in there!"

Grinning that kooky grin Kratos had fallen in love with (still loved, but this was...difficult for him), Anna reached into her pack and pulled out three hard hats, each adorned with a brilliant white flashlight strapped to its front. "It's easy to get lost in there, so you guys might want to link hands..."

She mindlessly took her small child by the hand, leaving Lloyd to give Kratos a stare-down for several long moments. "Uh...Kratos?" Lloyd asked.

Kratos relented and awkwardly, hesitantly, took Lloyd's gloved hand, feeling an odd mixture of discomfort and pleasure as the mismatched family strode into the store.

The store was as horrible to get around as the blasted Shadow Temple with its...mentally impaired fragments of Shadow and their nonstop glitching. With Anna leading her son and husband, they passed cheap flip-flops, overpriced t-shirts, and bottles of smelly cologne (but gratefully not Axe).

"Ugh..." Anna nervously muttered to herself as they passed the same rack of polos for the fifth time. She had never been good with directions but this was downright embarrassing. "It's not every day you lose a secret base!"

"Are we there yet?" Lloyd whined. "Can we stop for lunch at the food court?"

One of Kratos's eyes was twitching in irritation. That was the ninth time Lloyd had said that in the past hour and the seraph was sick of it. Not only was Lloyd straining him, but he also had to deal with the fact that Hollister was too confined and the footing was poor. "Lloyd, be quiet. We'll get there when we get there. This isn't a-"

Not caring that Kratos was on his last nerve, Lloyd interrupted, "Yeah, yeah, this isn't a field trip...but it kinda is. I'm visiting a new place with my pare-chaperones, and since it's a field trip we should really stop for snack and nap time! This place got boring hours ago!"

While Kratos and Lloyd bickered, Anna wildly mussed her hair, feeling frazzled but trying to avoid one of her usual panic attacks. "Get it together, Anna! This isn't the Goblet of Fire maze, it's Hollister...which is a lot scarier!"

Why was remembering so difficult? Something was wrong, something had been wrong ever since a boy and his stoic yet handsome father had asked her for information. Truthfully, at the time she had thought Lloyd was a visiting plumber and Kratos was one of Zelos's bondage slaves thanks to their clothes, but now they seemed so familiar, and the more familiar they felt to her the more alien her surroundings seemed. What she thought she knew now seemed flimsy in her mind, like it didn't hold up, all except Kratos and Lloyd.

They seemed like something she _should _remember but didn't. And then there was something about Lloyd's Exsphere that just gave her chills...maybe if she could touch it...?

"Mo-Anna!" she turned toward Lloyd's voice. Even with the helmets she could barely make out Lloyd's silhouette. "Kratos thinks he found the entrance!"

She heaved an audible sigh of relief. Oh thank Martel...wait, why was she thanking Martel? "Coming, Lloyd!" she said, carefully picking her way through the maze of racks yet still managing to trip on an obscured, low shelf - only to be caught by Kratos, the angelic swordsman blushing faintly as he did so.

Anna grinned pathetically up at him. "Um...thanks. You didn't have to do that - I mean I'm glad you did, but glad because I didn't fall, not glad it was you - I mean you make me glad - I'll be quiet now."

Kratos needlessly assisted Anna to her feet but kept his hands on her elbows, reluctant to release her. "Hey, Da-Kratos? You okay?" Lloyd asked nervously.

Snapping out of his absentminded stupor, Kratos swiftly released Anna as if she had the plague, and he backed off. And though Anna remembered he was a widower and would be ashamed to ever admit it herself...she was disappointed. And why? "My apologies," he smoothly said. Nodding toward a slightly loose floorboard, he queried, "Is this the entrance?"

"Oh, yes, this is it." Throwing herself off a forbidden train of thought, she carefully pried up two of the wide, thick floorboards, revealing a shadowy chasm. "We'll have to fly down. Come on!"

Smirking mischievously at Lloyd, she took the boy by surprise and snatched him up, eliciting a yelp from him as they soared down the chasm with only her green wings as illumination. Kratos wasn't far behind, and seeing the auburn-haired man who mostly spoke in ellipses following, Anna had to ask a question that was bothering her.

"Lloyd, how come you don't call Kratos 'Dad'?" The boy in her arms stiffened, but she had him as a captive audience. "I mean, he's your father, and after what I saw he obviously cares about you - if he didn't I'd bash his head in - so...what is it?"

Lloyd's mouth quirked into a nervous, strained grimace and he refused to look Anna in the eye. He knew it was only an imitation of his mom, but how could he tell her that her husband had stabbed their son in the back? "We got separated when I was younger, and we didn't see each other again until about a year ago... Stuff happened, we argued a lot-" Yeah, they'd had a lot of bloody, one-sided arguments. "-but we ended up traveling together."

"But if you're together again, why not call him 'Dad'?" It wasn't really her business, but she didn't like seeing a gap between these two familiar strangers.

Lloyd flushed. "I..." His gaze quickly darted behind Anna's back; Kratos was still pretty far behind. It was now or never. Hoping Kratos's angelic ears did not pick up his words, he asked, "What would you have me do?"

"Wha-why are you asking me?"

Because she was his mother. "Because you seem to know what you're talking about."

A thoughtful look crossed Anna's face as light finally impeded their vision. They were nearing the ground, but Anna still gave him an answer. "Well, I would. He clearly loves you, otherwise he wouldn't have gone through the trouble of turning Zelos's head into a whiffle ball. So...yeah. Whatever happened, I think it's best to put it in the past and focus on your relationship in the present instead."

Lloyd didn't respond, but he didn't need to. They had finally entered an enormous chamber, Anna and Kratos both landing within and withdrawing their wings. "Welcome to Cruxis!"

This Cruxis was nothing like the one in their own realm. For one, there were multiple colors splashed everywhere instead of the sterilized plain vanilla of Derris-Kharlan. For another, while the angels of Derris-Kharlan had all the personality of a doorknob, everyone here was lively, and Lloyd even recognized many of them.

"There's Cacao and Chocolat! And over there, that's Altessa by the espresso maker! And even Holess and Boy (Palmacosta) are here!"

Kratos adopted an incredulous look. "...Who?"

"Oh, uh, funny story actually: Genis and I made figurines of everyone we met on the journey because we wanted to improve our stalking skills."

"I see. That's...disturbing."

"You're telling me. Genis actually tried to ask a Desian woman what her measurements were, saying he wanted to be accurate!"

"Hey guys, hurry up!" Anna had run ahead and was now talking to Alicia Combatir. "I think it's time you met our leaders!"

Kratos and Lloyd turned to follow but something caught Lloyd's eye. "Go ahead, Kr...D...eh, yeah, I'll meet up with you in a minute."

Amidst the weapons of mass destruction, magitechnology, and spoils of war was one peculiarity: a ludicrous coffee mug decorated solely by a depiction of a handlebar mustache. True, it could belong to one of the Cruxis angels here, but Lloyd couldn't imagine anyone here being a hipster. This called for investigation!

Tiptoeing like a secret agent and humming his own theme music (his own rendition of Lloyd's Theme), Lloyd approached the mug...and it transformed in a plume of smoke, leaving a bizarrely dressed young man in its place.

He wore a black beret, severak multicolored scarves, a pair of blocky black glasses, a t-shirt advertising for an absurd indie band, skinny jeans, and Converse. However, he also toted a giant, pitchfork-sized pencil and looked otherwise identical to the Wonder Chef.

Lloyd sighed and ran a hand over his face. "You again...?"

The Wonder Chef's mysterious doppelgänger frowned in consternation, trying to recall Lloyd. "Huh? I don't remember meeting before...oh, you must have met one of my identical cousins or brothers or step-brothers!" Apparently the Wonder clan reproduced via budding or mitosis, much like the Nurse Joy gang. "I am the obscure author, the Wonder Writer!"

"I've...never heard of you," Lloyd sheepishly admitted, scratching his neck. Of course, the only reading Lloyd did was the funnies in the Sunday paper and Choose Your Own Adventure novels, but if this guy was famous then Raine or Genis would have mentioned him by now.

The Wonder Writer snootily pushed up his blocky glasses. "I said I'm obscure, you obviously haven't heard of me. I'm not very mainstream." Loyd vaguely recalled Sheena saying Mizuho wasn't mainstream once. Was Sheena a hipster?!

Oblivious to Lloyd's musings, the Wonder Writer forged on. "In a world where people will only write teen paranormal romance or dystopian crapsack stories, we, those of the Wonder Writers, seek to change the writing world for the better! ...On the side, where we aren't too noticed, and probably in a quaint little coffee shop after we've had a long discussion about our favorite bands that no one else has listened to. Anyways...

"Romance, love, piña coladas and looking out at the rain! A true writer knows the values of good couples in a story! I shall give you the recipe for Realistic Romance!"

Lloyd learned how to write Realistic Romance!

"Realistic Romance requires four ingredients: Common Ground, Respect, Minding of Sexual Preferences, and Chemistry."

Lloyd obtained the ingredients for Realistic Romance!

"Farewell!" cried the Wonder Writer. Raising his oversized pencil to the heavens, the Wonder Writer vanished in a puff of smoke, venturing either to an off-the-wall thrift shop to buy vintage t-shirts and vinyls of Motoi Sakuraba music, or to a sidestream coffeehouse that most certainly was not Khar-bucks.

"Weirdo..." Lloyd mumbled as he dashed off to meet with his parents.

* * *

"Ouchie!" Yuan blurted as Pimp Master Zelos shoved him down into the hard, uncomfy, foldable chair that had taken five of the Ranch guards to unfold (really, those things were as impossible as screwing in a lightbulb). His hands were chained by fuzzy pink handcuffs and he'd been stripped of his shirt, forced into a Collector's Edition of the bondage gear featured in the Yaoi Ranch's hit series _Nifty Tints of May. _"M-meanie..."

"Oh cut the crap, bluebird," Zelos snapped. "I know you've been in contact with our newest fugitives, and I know you haven't been fully brainwashed by whatever Pronyma did to you. She may have just turned you into one of her ukes for spying on us, but I still think you got off far too easy!

"Now here's the deal: You tell me the location of Cruxis, your spy, that meddling sexy thing in purple, and my sweet little kitten, and I'll let you slide...maybe."

So he'd been found out again. Yuan gritted his teeth in outrage, and not just at his forced choice of attire. But still, he was...bamboozled. "Your sweet little kitten?"

"AND his purple-clad papa," Zelos added. "Taking something that rightfully belongs to me!"

"What'd he take?"

"My sweet little kitten! Weren't you listening!"

"But who is that?!"

"How many times do I have to explain this?!" Zelos howled, pulling at his hair (now with extensions in it thanks to his hunny-buns burning so much of it off) in frustration. "Lloyd! My Lloydie! In his teens, unruly brown hair, dressed in sexy red, and with a voice that was made for the purpose of begging me for mercy! That Lloyd, my runaway bride!"

Yuan, frankly, couldn't believe his pointy ears. "Him?! But he doesn't even know what a pimp is!"

"I can show my boy the ropes, thank you very much," Zelos said ominously. Yuan didn't want to know if these were just figurative ropes or literal ties of bondage. That poor, stupid fool...he was being courted by a creep! "And you are dodging my question, bluebird. Do you know what I do to ukes who don't cooperate?"

A drop of sweat caressed Yuan's face, leaving a glistening trail as it trickled past his fretful eyes. The canon Yuan handled torture very well. Atter all, four thousand years of dealing with Mithos's deranged demands ("Destroy the citizens of Balacruf! Tailor me a new rainbow jumpsuit based off David Bowie's from The Labyrinth! Massage my fungus-coated feet while Kratos wears a maid's outfit and feeds me grapes!") was torture in itself. Granted, it had been poor old Kratos who had usually been Mithos's whipping boy, but Yuan had experienced his fair share of pain whenever the man-child leader of Cruxis threw a little temper tantrum and broke some pillars and some bones. As a result, his pain tolerance levels had been topped off.

This alternate Yuan was a wimp, and it was for this reason he trembled as Zelos pulled an instrument of torture out of his suit pocket. "NOOOO! Not that! Anything but that!"

Zelos sadistically smiled, a subtle little smirk, delighting in this not-quite S&M. "Nope. You're in the way between me and my dearest bride, so I have no choice."

His disturbed, serene smile never wavering, Zelos pressed a little button on the device, and the recorder began to play. "HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" laughed Tidus from Final Fantasy X on nonstop loop.

"NOOOO, MY BLEEDING EARDRUMS!"

Yuan cracked after two minutes. He told Zelos everything he knew.

* * *

"Hi there! It's so nice to meet you, Kratos!" said a girl in battle gear as she glomped Kratos. He would've expected this behavior from an alternate, fake Colette, or maybe even someone like Sheena...yet here was _Presea, _smiling as widely as Lloyd at an all-you-can-eat buffet and refusing to stop nuzzling Kratos's hair.

Lloyd was just as stunned as he was. "Pr-Presea?!" he blurted, forgetting he wasn't supposed to even know who Presea was.

Presea pushed off Kratos and instead leaped on Lloyd, whose hair was just as silky and smooth, to her delight. "Hi! Yep, I'm Presea! I don't know you yet but I can tell I already like you, let's be BFFs!"

After a minute of chuckling at the boys' expense, Anna finally removed Presea from Lloyd's person. "Presea, can you inform the Master Chief that I'm back?"

Presea laughed loudly and nodded, her pink pigtails bobbing up and down. "You betcha! I'll be back in a jiffy, my friends!"

When she had vanished, Lloyd couldn't hold back a comment anymore. "That. Was. WEIRD."

Kratos crossed his arms, still feeling violated by the abrupt tackle-hug. Save Anna, Lloyd, and Noishe, he wasn't fond of physical contact, so being crunched by a girl who was a distant, taciturn lumberjack in their world was...discombobulating. "If Presea was like this I can only imagine what the other fraudulent companions are like."

Anna tilted her head like a confused puppy dog, the same way Lloyd did during a math test. "Huh? What are you two talking about?"

"Oh, nothing much!" Lloyd said. Trying to distract Anna, Lloyd asked, "So what is this Master Chief person like?"

Anna shuddered. "She's absolutely terrifying! She's had a rough few years ever since our last Master Chief was killed and she took over Cruxis, so it's justified, but I would never want to meet her down a dark alley."

Just then, another familiar face elegantly strolled through the door, the clumsiness of her true version gone...as well as her modesty. Adjusting her flattering crop top, Sheena pranced up in a pair of booty shorts and, in an act that made Lloyd choke and Kratos freeze, gladly smacked the seraph on the butt. "Hey there, big boy, how you doin'?"

"Sheena, keep your hands off my...!" Anna fumed, but her mouth clamped shut and she shot a confused, anxious look at Kratos. "...Keep your hands off my friend," she finished.

Sheena rolled her eyes. "It was just one touch! Come on, there haven't been any men to flirt with in-"

"Is the Master Chief ready?" Kratos snarled, this version of Sheena strongly reminding him of the philandering Chosen.

"Humph, fine. This way, tightwad."

They all followed Sheena, the sleazy ninja taking point, Anna hanging in the middle, and Lloyd and Kratos lingering in the back. "Hey, Kr..." he hesitated. Did he dare? He always caught himself before he said...that word, but did he really want to say it? Was it the right thing to do?

_"He clearly loves you!" _He winced as his mom's words resounded in his mind. But it was true, wasn't it? He had trained Lloyd, collected the materials for the ring for Lloyd, taken Yuan's electrical bullet for Lloyd, beaten Zelos to a pulp for Lloyd - heck, in Altamira he'd even sacrificed his dignity and rode the teacups and roller-coaster for Lloyd!

Lloyd made up his mind. "Hey..." Kratos halted his march to pay attention to Lloyd. Seeing Sheena and Anna stop as well, Lloyd waved them on ahead. "I've got a question for you, D...Daaa..." He took a deep, steadying breath. "Dad."

It felt like Kratos's heart had ceased beating. Never in a thousand years (which, admittedly, wasn't very long for Kratos, but still) had he expected Lloyd to bestow that title upon him. Strange how such a simple word could cause such a shift within him.

Kratos felt his lips quirk into the tiniest of smiles. On anyone else it would have been a downright frown, but on Kratos it looked like the stupidest grin, and it made Lloyd grin in return. "What is it, Lloyd?"

Lloyd, relieved that Kratos didn't object but concerned about the question he was about to ask, said, "I know you told me about Mom before, but...was she exactly like this?"

Taken aback, not expecting this query from his admittedly thick son, it took Kratos a moment to reply. "It's hard to say. There are some qualities I haven't gotten the chance to witness from...this Anna. However, so much of her personality - her flirtatious attitude, her anxiety, her recklessness - she has shown already. She is truly exactly like Anna, I must say."

"But no one else here is like themselves?" Lloyd pushed.

"...Where are you going with this, Lloyd?"

Lloyd mentally prepared himself for his dad's reaction. Lloyd knew all right and well that he wasn't the ripest strawberry in the patch, but he was more observant and logical than people gave him credit for, especially when it came to the people in his life. "What if this is the real Mom?"

Kratos at this point had to turn away from Lloyd. "...So you've considered this as well." He had given it thought ever since he'd laid eyes on her at the Ranch here. It was insane, it was foolish...yet perhaps Lloyd's Exsphere, the Eternal Sword, and the twisted mana of the fan fic had made it possible. Stranger things had happened in fan fiction, that was a fact, so why was this so hard for him? Yes, there were dreadful implications regarding Lloyd's Exsphere if they were right, but there was more...

He knew the answer to this already: he was afraid. Coward that he was, he was absolutely afraid. Afraid that if it were the real Anna then she would remember. She'd remember that day near Iselia, she'd remember being transformed into a monster, she'd remember Kratos murdering her... How horrible would it be, to remember your own death?

Yet he had a sinking feeling that her recall was happening already. No one else remembered their past lives here, none of the fakes anyways - Pronyma, Yuan, Botta, probably not Presea or Sheena either, yet Anna already recalled being trapped in the Exsphere. She had admitted that to them.

"D...Dad? Hellooooo? Fanfic to Dad, are you still in there?"

Kratos snapped out of his reverie and smacked a red-clad hand out of his face, grumpily stating, "I am fine. Let's move on, they're all waiting on us."

Kratos stormed ahead, leaving Lloyd alone and slightly hurt. "...What's up with him all of a sudden?"

* * *

"Argh! Dammit, what do you mean they took Yuan for interrogation?! Damned bastard whore-sluts!"

They had barely entered the room when the string of curses assaulted their ears. Lloyd felt his jaw drop, unhinge, and walk away without him out of amazement. Kratos, understanding his son's astonishment, gave him a comforting look and patted him on the shoulder. "Fan fiction," was all he said.

The leader of Cruxis was clad in spiky black armor and had a huge, menacing cannon strapped to her back, along with several blades on her waist, but she was still a sight despite all that. Alternate, fake version of her or not, Lloyd couldn't help himself as he gaped at the swearing girl. "C-Colette?!"

A hushed gasp echoed throughout the room and Sheena slapped Lloyd on the arm, leaving a handprint-sized bruise due to her impressive strength. "Show some respect!" Because she had totally shown Kratos respect earlier by slapping his rear. Hypocrite. "That's Master Chief Brunel to you!"

Even Kratos gawked at that. Colette was the terrifying leader of Cruxis?! Colette didn't seem as offended as everyone else by the disrespect. On the other hand, she was ten times as offensive. "Calm your tits, Fujibayashi. So who the hell are you two?"

Lloyd couldn't respond - not for lack of trying, but because it was too difficult to formulate a reply when he couldn't get past Colette's sweet, musical voice spewing out more curses than a Salam on Derris-Kharlan. Kratos, on the other hand, had seen worse during his last romp through fan fiction, so he said, "I am Kratos Aurion, and this is my son Lloyd. We recently came into the area and escaped the Yaoi Ranch. Anna brought us here."

Colette's brow furrowed uncharacterisltically. "Anna? I don't remember an Anna being among us."

Lloyd and Kratos exchanged a confounded glance whereas Anna bit her lip so hard she left indentations. "Um...Master Chief? I'm Anna, ma'am! Remember?"

Turning to regard Anna, the Master Chief invaded Anna's personal space and gripped her chin, turning her from left to right. "...No, I don't remember you. How did you come here?"

Expecting answers, Colette spun on Sheena, shooting her a venomous glare. The sleaze just shrugged. "I dunno, she found us on her own and I figured she was the spy! Sheesh, don't blame me."

"I don't know either," Presea conceded, "but she's still my newest friend! Let's stay friends, yay!"

Kratos was doing his best to ignore Lloyd, who was smugly staring him more abnormalities that enshrouded Anna, the more convincing it became that she just didn't belong here. But if it were her...then what had become of Lloyd's Exsphere? Was it failing without a soul within, or worse yet, was it evolving to no longer need a soul?

"We had Sage planted in the Ranch, so I'm not sure who you are," Colette was saying again. "And no offense, but how the frickin' balls do we know you're not one of those skank-hoes from the Ranch?"

Anna looked like she was trying to avoid having a panic attack. This behavior of hers was horribly familiar to Kratos: Though her spirit hadn't fractured under Kvar's torturing, her experiences there had made her into a nervous wreck, a trait that had taken years to overcome, and never fully.

Sighing, Kratos placed a comforting arm around her shoulders. Anna initially tensed at the contact but relaxed when she recognized the purple-covered hand. "Right. Well...I know this!" Then she made Kratos's eyes bug out of his head as she did the hand jive, finishing with the three-fingered kiss-salute from The Hunger Games that was actually stolen from the Girl Scouts and no one realized it.

Presea gasped. "Gasp!" she needlessly said afterwards. "The Martelian Salute!"

Colette was wide-eyed as well, and getting a little misty-eyed she glanced to an enormous painting on the wall: a portrait of a stern-faced woman with green hair and eyes of a matching hue. She was wearing blood-smeared bronze armor and wielding an oversized war hammer in one hand and a red flag of death in the other, riding atop a fearsome dragon. Kratos didn't know whether to laugh or cry as he recognized her as Martel. As usual, he did neither.

"Former Master Chief Yggdrasill," Colette stated ruefully as she eyed the former leader of Cruxis. "Our greatest leader, as well as the only white mage ever with a seven-figure body count. May her kind, warmongering soul rest in peace." Shaking her head in dismay, she turned to Anna. "Only Cruxis members know the secret salute, so you're either a pissingly amazing spy or you're one of us and I'm suffering memory loss. So what's the status report on the Yaoi Ranch?"

Sighing in relief but keeping his arm around his unwitting wife, Kratos responded, "We know of a way to neutralize Zelos, or at least I believe so."

"...Go on."

Colette, Kratos, Lloyd, Anna, Sheena, and Presea all seated themselves at a long conference table in the room, the table furnished with platters of breakfast pastries and pitchers of coffee. Lloyd couldn't help himself as he switched the labels on the hot and frozen coffee, while the rest of them helped themselves to food as they planned an attack.

"The Cho-Zelos is actually a victim of brainwashing," Kratos explained. "For whatever reasons he was placed in the Ranch by a powerful entity and sent to deal with Lloyd and myself."

"But who would do that? And why?" Presea questioned.

"Some crazy chick trying to play God," Lloyd answered. "But my D-Dad knows how to cure it." There was silence on Kratos's part. "Uh...you do know how to cure it, right?"

Kratos couldn't look at any of them. "..."

"Dad, Ori - they said you knew how to fix Zelos!"

"After Mithos freed Yuan and myself from the first auth-girl's control, he only informed us on how to keep from being manipulated again," Kratos grudgingly admitted. " I do not know how to cure Zelos's seme status, however." Ugh, there had been more slip-ups in there than he would have liked. He was losing his touch...or maybe Lloyd's straightforward nature was rubbing off on his old, old, old, old, old man.

Colette, however, was zoned in on one phrase Kratos hadn't even considered a slip-up. "Wilder is obsessed with Aurion? Why?"

Anna's nose wrinkled like Colette had shoved dung under it. "Oh, Zelos wants to marry Lloyd. Kept saying stuff like how Lloyd was the perfect uke, that he'd do, and that Lloyd was his future bride. It was creepy...why are you asking?"

Colette looked more thoughtful than the Aurion boys had ever seen. "Hmm..." Suddenly she snapped her fingers, and from the ceiling fell Hilda, Chocolat, and Alicia, all of whom restrained Lloyd.

"H-hey! What're you guys doing?!" Lloyd hollered, kicking Hilda off and flipping Chocolat over his shoulder. The younger Combatir struggled with him as she climbed onto his shoulders, but she managed to put him in an excruciatingly painful chokehold thanks to her Cruxis Crystal. "L...let g-go...urk..." he trailed off feebly, Alicia crushing his windpipe and turning his face purple. Seeing Kratos's face contorting in rage as he unsheathed his bat, Lloyd loosened Alicia's arm just enough to shout, "Don't, Dad!" as he threw his back onto the ground, crushing Alicia but rolling back onto his feet.

Presea pouted as she saw her new BFF beat up her sister, but before she could rush to Alicia's aid Anna intercepted her. "What's going on?!" Anna cried.

"If Aurion is Wilder's point of obsessive fixation, I'm sure he'd be willing to bargain for Aurion's life," Colette said, justifying the ambush as well as her planned blackmail and possible murder. "We could get anything from him!"

"Do that and you shall receive no help from me," Kratos seethed. "And if you dare to harm a hair on Lloyd's head then, Colette Brunel or not, I will _rip you apart." _

Reinforcements were trickling in and now Lloyd kept his swords leveled at Tabatha, Cacao, Clara, and Aisha. Sheena, meanwhile, was in a stand-off with Kratos and Anna and Presea were duking it out nearby.

"Dad, don't do this," Lloyd pleaded. "You can't - that's Colette you're talking to, I can't see that...I can't watch that..."

"Lloyd, this is Yuan all over again. Don't try to change my mind, my threat still stands. All I'm trying to do is protect you."

"But we can talk this out, find a new way to stop the Ranch!" Taking his eyes off his foes, Lloyd looked from his infuriated father to the alternate Colette. "Col-Master Chief, listen." Colette huffed but snapped again, ordering her minions to hold off. "I know you probably think blackmail is the best idea-"

"Because it is," she snarled, her pretty face morphed into something scary.

"Stop that! Just think about it for a second: If you let me go then my dad and I will both help you fight, and we have a lot of power to back us up. Besides, your blackmail might not work. Zelos could just find a new bride...ugh, that's so wrong."

"Where are you going with this, Aurion?" Colette asked. Her hand was on the jeweled pommel of a dagger but she did not draw it.

Lloyd'd determined fire did not burn out. "What I'm saying is it's better to work together than to be against each other. Besides, if we can work out our problems with the antidote then we could cure all the brainwashed men!"

Finally Colette loomed nearly convinced. "That is true. We need the men - very few remain free despite our efforts and there hasn't been any children born in nearly a millennium now."

"I miss _making _children," Sheena muttered. Like Zelos in Lloyd and Kratos's world, everyone ignored her.

"...Dammit, you're right," Colette conceded, waving her hand dismissively. The stealthy guards dispersed, dragging the ones knocked unconscious by Lloyd away as well. "It wouldn't look too good if I went against a potential ally and the only men to grace our doors in hundreds of years. Humph...what were you saying about the antidote?"

The abrupt shift in topic didn't bother Kratos. Hid hackles no longer raised, the seraph sheathed his bat and sat down again, Lloyd, Anna, and the Cruxians following. "First off I would like to ask about Yuan. I overheard disturbing news regarding him as we came in earlier."

Colette bared her teeth. "Oh, that. Apparently the dumb bastard was seen talking to some men - you two, I imagine - and was taken in for torture. Sage said he cracked and now the Ranch is getting ready to attack Hollister."

Noticing Lloyd's guilt-ridden expression, Kratos sighed and reached over, awkwardly patting his boy on the head. "It's not your fault, Lloyd..." Lloyd glanced at his feet and did not reply. "So I imagine we will have to start creating an antidote right away.

"I can make an antidote for most brainwashing but making Zelos focus on his true sexual preference will be arduous." Really, he'd rather make an antidote that made Zelos asexual - it'd make all their lives much easier if he didn't hit on every living being with female organs - but he supposed Lloyd would throw a fit if he tried to change Zelos.

_Sexual preferences... _Recalling spoken words earlier, Lloyd stood up and fished through his pockets, finally reeling in a recipe wrapped around four little vials of glowing fluid. "I...uh...I think I know how to cure him completely."

He handed the materials to Kratos and the angel's eyes widened. "Who gave you this?"

"The Wonder Chef's hipster brother, the Wonder Writer. It's a long story, but he said it'd make Realistic Romance or something. Why?"

"I've never heard of a Wonder Writer," said Anna.

"I heard of him before he was cool," replied Lloyd with a cheesy grin.

"Is there a lab where I can manufacture this idiocy antidote?" Kratos inquired, tucking the vials and recipe into a safe place.

"I could get Kate to help you in her lab," Colette offered. Kratos wordlessly accepted with a nod, and the two angels left the room.

Everyone else steadily exited the room one by one. Eventually Lloyd, finishing the last of the muffins on the table, went to leave, but a murmur of, "Lloyd?" halted him in his tracks.

He spun to face a very uncomfortable, anxiously fidgeting Anna. "Yeah, M-Anna? What's up?"

She couldn't look Lloyd in the eye, so she glanced up to the bloody portrait of Martel. "...I don't think I belong here." She awaited Lloyd's interjection but the boy merely nodded, taking the chair next to Anna in preparation to listen. "I don't remember Martel as a warrior. I don't understand why Cruxis is made of nice, heroic people. And I know I recognize you from somewhere...and don't give me that look, young man, I know you're not telling me something."

Lloyd blushed at the "young man" remark. "I, um..." Should he confess? His mom had always been the one he spilled his guts to and told everything, for he always felt like she was listening, even when he just talked to her grave. And she had been listening after all, from within his Exsphere...why not spill his guts to her now? "...I'm sorry. Dad doesn't want me to say, he's not sure we should yet."

"Then can I try something?" Anna practically begged. Seeing Lloyd's hesitant eyes, she pleaded, "Please, I can't take this anymore, it's driving me nuts! Something is wrong with my memory! I can't recall things from here the way I should, and there are just gaping holes in my older memories too! And I always say things that shouldn't make sense but do in my head! Please..."

She eyed the Exsphere perched on his hand. "Your Exsphere too...just glancing at it sends shivers down my spine. It's...it's like it's calling to me, and I need to know why. So, I'm asking you this: Can I see your Exsphere?"

Kratos was going to kill him. "...Alright." Smiling gratefully, Anna took up the red-clad hand, ghosting her fingers over the red leather. Taking a deep breath, she touched the Exsphere - and collapsed with a scream.

* * *

**Only two chapters left in the Zelos and Anna arc! Up next: a song parody because Zelos's situation reminded me of a certain character, panic attacks, Papa K being a crazy nut, and...stuff.**

**The scene with Kratos and Lloyd riding the teacups and roller-coaster, as well ad the one in the Altamira hotel where they talk about Anna, are all sidequest scenes in Symphonia Chronicles. **

**Today my grandparents were over for Easter and I had a short-sleeved dress on, so my great-grandma called me a whore for showing that much arm. I'M SORRY MY SHOULDERS ARE SEDUCING YOU. **


	5. Charlie's (Cruxis) Angels

**So just a little martial arts rant: One of the other senpai (this guy I can't stand, I actually did punch him before because he made fun of my friend with a sprained ankle, and I hit him with a STICK) was giving me flack for knowing how to wield a sword...why is that a bad thing?! Kept telling me they're useless to know how to use, and I KNOW they aren't really relevant now, but it's what I'm good at! I'm not that fine with a pair of sai and I'm just okay with jo and bo staves, so...Grr, he just makes me so mad!**

**Disclaimer: Blah Blah Blah COPYRIGHT!**

**When I first started writing this I was watching The Hunchback of Notre Dame! Zelos and Frollo and...yep, you know the story. Heads up for a much darker side of seme Zelos these next few chapters. ...And now I'm watching The First Strike!**

**This chapter: Zelos and Pronyma channel a different douchey Disney villain besides Frollo, Kratos does SCIENCE, the plot takes wing (pun intended), I reference too many Disney movies, Lloyd gets tired of everyone's crap, Zelos and his seme parody takes a darker turn, and Anna makes a sandwich...**

* * *

**Charlie's (Cruxis) Angels**

That night, the seediest bar in all the world, The Paw Dandy (owned by Regal Bryant, a brainwashed seme in this realm as well as El Presidente of the world), was overflowing with the women from the Ranch.

One had to wonder why the women were all getting wasted the night before their invasion of Cruxis, but upon entering The Paw Dandy one would see the answer: A certain Pimp Master reclined in a Lay-Z Bly chair, looking in all ways upset. The girls were all getting drunk for the sake of debauchery, but he was trying to drown out his sorrows because of Lloyd.

Why had the tender little uke denied him? This wasn't submissive uke behavior Lloyd was exhibiting, it was defiance! It pained Zelos deeply in his loins, too. He would have given Lloyd whatever he wanted, but what Lloyd desired was nothing to do with Zelos! He would find him. He would find him even if he had to burn down all of Cruxis! Still...

"Who does he think he is?" Zelos ranted into his sixth tankard of beer. "That boy has tangled with the wrong man! No one says no to Zelos!"

Pronyma, who had been clinging to Zelos's recliner chair for the entire night, was wondering why French background music was playing, but desperate for Zelos's attention she still interjected, "That is correct!"

Turning his posture to kapu, Zelos placed his elbows on his knees and hunched like Gollum sulking over his lost ring. "Dismissed. Rejected. Utterly humiliated! Why, it's more than I can bear!"

"More beer?" she offered. Perhaps if Zelos was inebriated enough he would see the errors of his ways and finally hook up with her!

But alas, twas not meant to be; the Pimp Master was still hung up over that...son of Kratos. "What for? Nothing helps. I'm disgraced..."

Pronyma inwardly cringed. Thus far this silly little ditty was almost exactly like the original song. Soon they'd have to kick it up a notch. Imagining new lyrics in her mind, Pronyma grinned, her makeup crackling more than a bowl of Rice Krispies as she reassured Zelos, "Who, you? Never! Master Pimp Master Zelos, you must pull yourself together!"

_"Lord, it's so frightening to see you, Zelos_

_Stewing on brats like that Lloyd_

_Every girl here'd love to screw you, Zelos_

_Even if you just like boys_

_There's no seme here quite as gorgeous as you_

_You always look quite mighty fine_

_We would do anything for you, Zelos_

_And it's not very hard to see whyyyyyy!" _

Zelos, drunk as he was, did not look impressed by Pronyma's songwriting skills. Pronyma, drunk as she was, did not notice.

Swinging Zelos's rotating recliner in circles, Pronyma gave him a plaque-laden, dazzling smile. And by dazzling, I mean it was blindingly ugly.

_"No one flirts like Zelos_

_No one twerks like Zelos_

_No one waves their cute booty to work like Zelos!" _

Zelos snapped the footrest of the recliner up, purposely knocking Pronyma in the air and into a nearby table. The girls all spilled their tequila and Jell-O shots on the half-elf but she didn't cease her singing.

_"For there's no seme here half as sexy_

_The perfect portrayal of dom_

_You can ask him to get down to flexing_

_And his muscles will surely go take you beyond!" _

Since Zelos was constantly voted in the top three Tales of Symphonia characters, he had a rather committed fanbase, including the girls at the bar. They all foolishly decided to join in Pronyma's drunken serenade.

_"No ooooooone casts like Zelos_

_No one bats like Zelos_

_No one stars in Tumblr's hashtags like our Zelos!" _

Oh fine. Zelos would play along. _"As a yaoi subject, I am titillating!" _

_"My what a guy that Zelos! _

Far away from the musical number, sitting in the corner, Cruxian spy Raine Sage sighed and placed her face in her palm. "I'm surrounded by idiots..." she muttered as the song continued.

_"No one hits like Zelos_

_Cracks a whip like Zelos..." _

* * *

When Kate had been informed that Kratos had the brainwashing cure, Kratos knew the half-elven Exsphere researcher had been ecstatic. Now that Kratos had relayed the full procedure to her, though, she looked like she'd been told Naruto was an accurate depiction of ninjutsu. Kratos couldn't blame her.

"...That's it?" she muttered, her jaw dropping so far that her whole head dipped, her glasses sliding to the floor. "I've been researching this for thousands of years, and the cure to the brainwashing is this?!"

"I see. You don't believe me," Kratos stated, reaching to pick up the flustered girl's glasses.

"Oh, no, it's just...well, this is rather unbelievable, yes. It's such a basic formula, and I imagine I can manipulate it for the Pimp Master and the semes, but this...it's simply ridiculous."

"It's not that bizarre. Where Lloyd and I are from, we can heal wounds by eating curry or fruit cocktail." And they thought fan fiction was strange? Please.

Kate sighed but accepted this antidote recipe, and the two set to work. Kratos raided the medicine cabinet and searched for the herbs and chemicals necessary, while Kate worked with the...unsavory ingredients.

Kratos wasn't assisting Kate for very long, however. Not twenty minutes passed before Lloyd stumbled in, carrying a trembling, whimpering, incoherent Anna. "Dad!"

"Hmm?" Kratos glanced up from the Panacea Bottle he was inspecting. Upon seeing Anna, he dropped the vial, letting it shatter against the tile, and rushed to his family. "What happened?"

"I-I don't know! She was fine, all she did was touch my Exsphere and-and this happened!"

Only four thousand years of patience and discipline kept Kratos from rounding on the innocent boy. After all, Lloyd hadn't known this would occur, but he still wanted to throttle him for being unable to stop Anna. "You let her touch the Exsphere? Why? What's happening to her?"

_"I'm afraid this is partially my doing." _It was fortunate Kate wasn't in the room, else she would've most likely fled shrieking about schizophrenic voices coming from the ceiling.

"Origin?" Lloyd blurted in surprise, blinking as Kratos took Anna away from Lloyd and into his own arms, trying to soothe away the pain. "I thought you couldn't really interfere in this world! What did you do to Mom?"

_"When Lloyd entered the fanfic realm, the impossible mana of fan fiction began mingling with his Exsphere. To the best of my ability within a fanfic, I may have...tweaked it, letting Anna's soul out of the Exsphere. The wild mana of this realm allowed Anna to form another body. It sounds absurd, but anything is possible here. How else would alternate versions of people come into being on the whim of an author without the mana being uncontrolled?" _

"You dropped 'im..." Anna muttered nonsensically. "Where's skillet, 'ma beat you..."

All right, so it wasn't that nonsensical. Kratos flinched as he realized she was mumbling about one time when Lloyd had been...slippery and had fallen out of Kratos's iron grasp. "What about her memory loss?"

_"Not all of her mana completed the transfer before you settled into the wild mana. Touching the Exsphere allowed it to finish, though it was too sudden for her to properly process. She may take her time overcoming this fit." _

"Ha. Ha ha...tomatoes...to-ma-toes..." Anna babbled on. Neither Aurion really wanted to know.

_"My only advice is to keep an eye on her. Since Lloyd accelerated her recall, she'll be remembering her life, including her time at the Ranch. It may cause her pain."_

"Wait, if you're helping Mom-" Lloyd said the word "Mom" with a gigantic, stupid grin. So he had been right. "-why don't you help Zelos remember too?"

_"Right now he is under the authoress's control. Anna, however, was a wild card." _Directed at Kratos, he added, _"I had the chance to save your wife thanks to the Angelus Project and I took it. You're anxious, I know, but she is better off remembering while alive then remembering from inside that Exsphere, isn't she?" _

Origin finally cut off communication with the Aurion family. It was a good thing too, because once he did he cackled like a fool. Truth be told, he almost definitely could jog Zelos's memory...but this was hysterical to him. He had never seen Kratos squirm so much all within twenty-four hours...had it really only been that long since their adventure had begun? Sheesh, who knew?

Long story short, Origin was as much of a troll as Jade freaking Curtiss.

"See if you can find a place for her to lie down," Kratos ordered Lloyd. The boy nodded and, giving one last worried glance to Anna, shot out the door again.

"...Origin."

_"Hmm...sorry. What is it, Kratos?" _

The seraph hung his head, letting his auburn hair fall like curtains over his eyes. Anna was still cradled in his arms, but despite being worried for his living, breathing wife, she was not all that was on his mind. Tracing the Cruxis Crystal near her throat, he asked, "Is Anna truly an angel?"

_"It's difficult to ascertain. That was an unexpected turn of events, but since this realm made her into one I imagine that trait will stay."_

"I see..." He would have never wished an angel's fate upon Anna. Immortality always sounded like a gift to the finite, but once that wish was granted it camr to light that immortality was hell. Living forever, watching your loved ones die before you... Anna's and Lloyd's "deaths" had been the worst by far, due to prematurity, but he had seen others perish sheerly from old age while he remained hauntingly twenty-eight.

Anna probably wouldn't mind, saying she'd be with Kratos forever, but...she didn't know he planned to depart along with Derris-Kharlan. He dreaded telling her now.

"...And what of Lloyd? Is the wild mana affecting his Exsphere?"

_"...So you noticed. It was only a matter of time, between the Angelus Project and his lineage, but the fan fiction is having an effect on him. So...yes, he is becoming an angel as well." _

It didn't matter, no one was there to see it, but Kratos gritted his teeth, barely holding back a curse. This was just peachy.

* * *

The mall had been completely deserted by civilians. Pronyma had seen to that - after all, they couldn't afford for any of the Yaoi Ranch's customers to die along with those Cruxis fools, could they? Who else would purchase the _Nifty Tints of May _cookbook to be released next fall?

Giddy with excitement, for she delighted in the squashing of rebel scum, Pronyma giggled and scooted closer to Zelos, clinging onto his arm. Zelos growled in anger and judo flipped her over his shoulder. "Cut it out, skank! Only Lloyd deserves to gaze upon me, he is the only thing cute enough to match my ethereal visage!" He sighed to himself and thoughtfully looked out to the horizon, imagining Lloyd in a maid's outfit serving him, Lloyd locked away, Lloyd in chains...

Pronyma's chances at romancing Zelos were slipping through her manicured fingers. True, she loved watching yaoi, but why didn't Zelos give her any attention? She deserved it, they were partners, she listened to everything he said... Yaoi was all right and fine, but what she really wanted was Zelos, the sculpted Adonis of her eye!

"Let's send the troops in and finish the job now!" Zelos ordered. His damsel in distress needed him and his love, he refused to keep him waiting!

"What about dinner?" Pronyma implored, knowing this was her last chance to sway him to heterosexuality. They hadn't eaten that day anyways...

"Pronyma, this is kind of important," Zelos said with an armor-piercing...err, lingerie-piercing glare.

"How about dessert?"

Zelos went to vehemently object, paused, and reconsidered. He did like ice cream...only if there was an obscenely fruity flavor like mango. He liked fruity things. "Well, I suppose there's time for dessert."

"And coffee?"

"...Alright. A quick cup of coffee. THEN we go out and wipe them out!"

"Yay!" she clapped.

* * *

"Master Chief Brunel has requested your assistance!"

Lloyd and Kratos both glanced up from their seats at Anna's bedside in the Cruxis infirmary. Sheena was standing at the door, leaning a shoulder against the side and placing a hand on a popped-out hip. Today she was wearing a zip-up bra (easy access, she claimed) with her booty shorts.

"What for?" Lloyd asked, standing up to attention. Kratos, still mainly focused on his unconscious wife, remained at his post holding Anna's hand.

"We're using guerrilla tactics against the Ranch workers, though really, if your hot dad here wants to assist me, I'd be glad to be like gorillas in love with him, if you know what I mean."

"...I don't want to know what that means, but I'll go..." Lloyd shuddered and looked to his dad. "You coming?"

"I would like to stay with Anna," he admitted, not even bothering with a scathing glare for Sheena.

Lloyd shrugged, waved goodbye, and followed the slutty ninja. Kratos remained, giving Lloyd's back a long, mournful look.

* * *

Colette barely gave him so much as a greeting when they met up with her and Presea. She jerked her head and that was that, gesturing for them to follow her down a long hall. For awhile all was silent, but as things often went with Lloyd, it didn't stay quiet for long...

"Master Chief, I have a question I need to ask."

Coming to a halt, Colette spun on a dime and regarded Lloyd. "What, Aurion? We're on a tight schedule!"

Lloyd's boyish features hardened. Kratos would not answer his questions, would not tell him what he needed to know. So he had to ask Colette. "I need to know what semes and ukes are."

Presea's jaw widened in astonishment. "You're caught up in this more than anyone, and you don't even know?"

Colette sighed heavily, pinching the bridge of her nose and refusing to look at Zelos's primary target. "Aurion, an uke is essentially subservient to the seme in every way, shape, and form. They do everything the seme tells them to, and the seme becomes dominant to the point of being abusive."

"The uke is the cheerful, passive, and submissive one," Presea said, looking more like her real self than she had before here. "The seme is dominant, dark, and controlling."

For the only time ever in that realm, Sheena did not give Lloyd a pervasive look as she added, "I know what Zelos is doing with you may seem hilarious to an outsider - I sure laughed before I finally joined Cruxis, I thought the ukes and semes were just one big joke - but in your position you need to know how horrifying this all is. Zelos doesn't love you, he only sees you as something to control, and the fact that you resist makes him want you even more."

Colette nodded in accord with Sheena's words. "To him, this is one big hunt. You're his prey and prize, and he'll stop at nothing under you're in his grasp and he can control everything you ever do. It's pathetic, yes, but that's the way our lives have gone for the past two thousand years...and frankly, I've had enough of this bullshit. How about you?"

They ceased talking for the rest of the walk, Lloyd deep in thought. Zelos wanted to control him? That...that wasn't right. The seme and uke system made no sense to him. So because he was optimistic, because he was cooperative, because he cared about people...he had to be abused? This was wrong, this was beyond wrong...

* * *

"How do you think teenage girls see in this place?!"

"They must have evolved and developed night vision!"

"Damn them!"

The Yaoi Ranch soldiers were stumbling about Hollister like a gang of drunken baboons trying to break a piñata. They could not see an inch of the store...nor could they see the angels (and eventual angel) lying in wait.

"Where'd you get these goggle-thingies again?" Lloyd had to quietly ask, grinning as he adjustec his new red specs. These would've been useful at the Temples of Lightning and Darkness...

"We told you we got them from the machina, old buddy old pal!" Presea replied for the umpteenth time.

"But what's a machina?"

"The Deus Ex Machina," Sheena informed the ignorant boy. "Allows us to pretty much pull whatever we want out of our asses, like our Cruxis Crystals, unless the plot says no."

Technically, they weren't supposed to use the word machina thanks to the Tales of Symphonia-Final Fantasy X war, but using the Deus Ex Machina they were able to pull out zero f***s about Final Fantasy X. Who's laughing now, Tidus?

"Wait, Sheena, you just mentioned that we're in a fanfic-"

"No I didn't!" she replied too quickly. Must not make a paradox, must not confuse readers and reviewers with this nonsense...

"Where is the base already?!" Lloyd, Sheena, and Presea all ducked under the clearance rack as a large battalion of Yaoi Ranch soldiers began crowding the already stuffy store.

"I'm not sure, but guys, there's sixty percent off fuzzy socks right now!"

"No one cares, Jodi!"

"I don't know, Amy, I personally value her work ethic and optimism!"

While the women of the Ranch all bickered, Lloyd leaned in by Sheena's ear. "So what did you need me for?"

"Live bait," Sheena said with a straight face.

"Oh, okay...wait, wha - WHOA!"

Snatching him by the wrist, Sheena gave Lloyd a feral grin and dragged him up on the display. "Hey, ladies!" Every single female in the room put their eyes on Sheena and Lloyd.

Now, Lloyd was never one to experience stage fright. Heck, he laughed in the face of an audience! He didn't care what people thought of him, never had and never would. Besides, Dirk had taught him a funny trick when he had to speak in front of people: just imagine them in their underwear. It worked especially well with old people and never failed to make him laugh...until Raine smacked him for randomly laughing.

There were two problems with that trick now: One, he had to care what these women thought of him because they were trying to capture him, and two, they were already in nothing but their underwear and it was making him uncomfortable.

But then Sheena said, "Watch this!" and the soldiers were the least of Lloyd's discomforts, because that was when Sheena smashed her lips against his.

At that point he was rendered incapable of rational thought. This was one of his best friends kissing him and this was weirdly soft but now hard and was that a tongue and boy was he feeling awkward so why did he kiss her back and gaaaaaah...

By now the Colloyd shippers from beyond the fourth wall were shaking their heads in disgust, failing to remember this was a fake Sheena, making Lloyd still fair game for everyone... Of course, after this Kratos wouldn't let any suitors so much as inhale Lloyd's oxygen, let alone his spit.

Lloyd, blushing but still beyond upset, shoved Sheena off, but it was too late. Cries of "Eww, het! Kill it with fire!" as well as "I dislike real life couples despite my many ships on Tumblr!" and even "B-but I like Zelloyd!" echoed throughout the store. As usual in many fandoms, the girls paid more attention to the pairings and smut instead of what mattered the most in the end: the actual plot.

"For Martel!" Colette howled in righteous fury as she and the other angels ambushed the Ranch workers. Grimacing harshly with terrifyingly wide eyes, she lifted her arms and the metal that armored them - in truth, her two prosthetic arms - shifted and transformed into twin Gatling guns. She shot down angels by the dozen, acting like the white Samuel L. Jackson as she screamed f-bombs in time with her bullets.

"For Cruxis!" Presea added as she swung her axe, knocking many women down Garland style.

"For babymaking!" Sheena piped up, giving Lloyd one last unwanted grope before she catapulted into battle.

Lloyd decided not to declare a cause he stood for, instead heading back to base while the angels led a slaughter. He was one hundred percent done with fan fiction.

* * *

A pink-clad fist slammed into the table, its owner giving the soldier a green-eyed glare that promised death by her head being crushed like sparrow's egg between thighs. "What do you mean he got away from you?!" Zelos roared.

The guard fidgeted where she stood, having never seen Zelos in this much of a rage, not even when that spy had called him ugly. "I-It wasn't our fault! The others got distracted by the presence of male heterosexuality, and then the angels and Lloyd just demolished us!"

Zelos screamed again and pounded the table once more, his eyes like blazing green hellfire. He had switched his white pimp suit for his battle gear, garnished by a billowing pink cape and his old white headband. He only wanted to look his best when he captured Lloyd.

Lloyd. The very name sent chills down Zelos's spine. He couldn't get the boy off his mind, it showed in his hellfire eyes, burning by using his unquenched, frightening lust for kindling. His little uke shouldn't be out there with the fighting. What if he got hurt by a Ranch worker? Only Zelos was allowed to harm Lloyd, and Zelos alone. The poor boy was incapable of taking care of himself...

This was all the redheaded bastard's and the spy's fault. Lloyd was an uke tried and true, he wouldn't display such rebellion if it weren't for them, the seme especially, telling Lloyd to do so. Zelos felt the bizarre urge to break something, preferably Kratos's neck.

So he'd have to kill the father, and probably the Cruxis angels too. That was fine with him. And once he had Lloyd in his claws, he'd have to make sure to lock him away, punish him - breaking the legs worked, it'd keep him from leaving or disobeying Zelos again - and keep him away from everyone else. Zelos smiled contentedly to himself. Yes, that would work, and Zelos would even enjoy it.

The Pimp Master stood from his war stool - actually a chair at the mall's Kharbucks, since it's so obvious to make Starbucks evil - and began to gather his belongings.

"Sir? Master Pimp Master Zelos Sir?" Pronyma asked, unsure of what was running through Zelos's sick, twisted head.

"I'm through dealing with you incompetent people. I'll be going after my little kitten myself."

"But sir-"

"Drop it, Pronyma! Stupid broad, why do you have to be such a nag? Just follow me and shut up!"

Something cracked within Pronyma then, a great fissure knifed through her, but she still nodded. "...But of course, Pimp Master. My apologies."

Zelos didn't even bat an eye at her again. "To me, all you whores! I'll be leading this charge myself!"

And so he stormed through Hollister, killing every angel in his path. His pink cape fluttered behind him like he was the majestic Darth Gay-der, wading through the rebel headquarters to strangle the impudent officers and capture his princess...and maybe strangle the princess a little too, if he was in the mood.

* * *

Anna's little unexpected trip down Memory Lane, while amusing and informative, was most definitely...chaotic.

_"C'mon, Daddy, c'mon, I wanna show Mommy!" _

_"Lloyd, that is unnecessary. You can just tell her about this, it's fine if I leave-"_

_"No, Daddy, you're pretty! I wanna show Mommy!"_

_From her spot on the grass Anna glanced up from her lemonade and her fantasy novel, losing focus on the misadventures of Aragorn, AKA the only man who competed with her husband in both attractiveness and badassery._

_That was Lloyd and Kratos quibbling. Normally, she'd wait until they wanted to talk to her, but something in their voices piqued her curiosity. True, Lloyd was always this excitable, but Kratos's dulcet tones (she still thought he should make a living off voice acting, he was like the white James Earl Jones) were unusually panicky._

_Shrugging, she took a sip from her lemonade, turned around - and promptly snorted lemonade out of her nose._

_"Mommy, lookit, I got Daddy to dress up!"_

_Being tugged on by Lloyd was a certain seraph, only instead of his usual entrancing good look he looked hideous. He had Anna's blush on his forehead, her eyeliner on his lips, lipstick on his eyelids, ribbons knotted in his unruly hair, and one of her bras tied about his chin._

_By now Anna was laughing so hard she was crying. She couldn't help it! Taking the laughter as a sign of offense, Lloyd bit his quivering lip and turned to his daddy. "D-Did I so sometin' wrong, Daddy?" _

_Kratos was shaping up to be a far better parent than Anna ever would be. Even emasculated as he was, he still stroked his son's chocolate-colored locks and reassured him, "No, Lloyd, you did fine. It looks...good." He didn't have the heart to tell his son he looked like Lady Gaga now._

_"Yay! Mommy, lookit, I painted Daddy's fingers too!" He didn't mean Kratos's fingernails, he meant Kratos's _fingers. _His long, strong, and spindly fingers were coated in layer upon layer of lavender nail polish. Anna really needed to hide her cosmetics bag better. _

_Anna went to laugh again at Kratos's expense but the man's carefully maintained expression gave her pause...aww, the man had been this patient with their toddling son, he deserved a break._

_"He looks beautiful, Lloyd," she said, unable to resist just a tiny grin. "Say, Lloyd, since Daddy looks so great, you should do this again! Next time we see Uncle Yuan, would you like to do his makeup too?"_

_Kratos arched an eyebrow in amusement at the idea, the concept obviously pleasing him, and Lloyd grinned, not understanding what his parents found so funny. "Okay!"_

_"...Also, Kratos? Can I have my bra back now?"_

* * *

_"You IDIOT!" Anna shrieked, shaking with maternal rage as she tried to murder her husband with a glare. "You DROPPED HIM?!"_

_The seraph - the poor, self-loathing seraph with a guilt complex - could not look Anna in the eye. There were not many things Kratos feared, in fact he could count them all on one hand: Losing his family, the success of the Age of Lifeless Beings, rabid fangirls, tomato juice, and Anna's wrath. Unfortunately, he was on the receiving end of the last one, and masochist that he was he let himself have it. _

_Usually he was actually far too careful with Lloyd. Babies were so fragile, he felt that Lloyd would shatter if Kratos so much as breathed while rocking him, so he...sometimes even held his breath to make sure he didn't break his infant. Overkill, yes, but now he was regretting not being careful just once. After all, he had dropped his toddler son. Good thing it hadn't been when he was flying..._

_"I told you I couldn't be a good father from the start, I am so sorry, Anna. It was an accident-"_

_"Yeah, and this is an accident too!" Unlike certain half-elf teachers, Anna realized the negative effects of whacking someone upside the head. The head was highly vulnerable, she knew that from martial arts training in Luin, experience at the Ranch, and time spent practicing combat with Kratos. One hard hit in the wrong spot and you suddenly couldn't do math anymore. There were less vital areas to hit someone in frustration. She knew hitting Kratos would set a bad example for their son, but seeing the severity of the seraph's rare blunder she made an exception just this once._

_And so she whacked Kratos in the butt with a frying pan. _

_The seraph barely winced - he had deserved that, after all, and it didn't hurt that badly. "...Is your anger sated?"_

_Anna huffed and gave him another glare. "...Humph. Fine. Let's go make sure Lloyd still remembers how to walk."_

* * *

_Life in an Exsphere was hell on Sylvarant._

_She couldn't move. She couldn't speak. She couldn't even interact with her son, despite being right next to him for his entire life (it was a little awkward, especially since she had to sit on his hand while he did his bathroom business). And when she could communicate with Lloyd, all she could do was send a little tingle through him. _

_Noishe knew, Noishe understood. Every day he'd nuzzle her Exsphere, his little protozoan way of saying, "What's up?"_

_She'd send a little tingle through his fur or nose, her own way of replying, "Not much. Weather sure is nice. Lloyd ate a bug today and threw a tomato at Genis. Day 3249: Kratos still hasn't shown his officially ugly mug."_

_Noishe would nod, Anna would go to nod before remembering she didn't have a head, and then she'd be carried off by Lloyd. All in all, it wasn't too bad until Kratos showed up, and she couldn't even speak to yell at him._

_Why was he being such a...a dick?! Kratos had never treated little Lloyd so coldly, he was actually a rather affectionate parent, contrary to what anyone would expect. Now he was all, "Your swordsmanship sucks, Lloyd. Look at me and my cold regard for everyone. And check out my sexy hair. Gosh, I am so bishie." _

_...Okay, that wasn't entirely fair, he did some secretive parenting for Lloyd, training him, trying to warn him about Cruxis and the like. Anna was mostly mad about Kratos's obvious decision to return to Cruxis after her death. Lloyd had only been taken a mile or two away from the cliffs! Kratos could have looked a little hard, or called the lost and found or something!_

_Well at least he was helping Lloyd now. Anna didn't know what her hopeless husband was planning regarding Colette, but it didn't seem like Kratos was all that enthusiastic about the Regeneration. _

_At night she'd catch him gossiping with Noishe about his plans against Cruxis (as well as Lloyd's bad grades Kratos blamed himself for, Colette's tripping, Genis's stupid shorts, and Raine's need for medication. Martel, but Kratos was such a gossipy old woman). Though she desperately wanted to join in, all she could do was listen as Kratos would ask Noishe about Lloyd and as Kratos would detail Mithos's augmented insanity to the protozoan._

_Nights in the inn were vastly different. Then Kratos would just stare mournfully at Lloyd like a kicked puppy dog while their son lay sprawled spread-eagle on his bed. All Anna wanted to do was smash her two boys together, to make her husband just hug their son dammit, but instead she just engaged in the weirdest staring contest with Kratos every night._

_Things improved as the journey went on, and after Magnius the journey was relatively peaceful._

_Then everything changed when the Fire Nation attacked. Err, when Kvar attacked. Close enough._

_Lloyd, Kratos, and Sheena had all hunted down Kvar while the others deactivated the Ranch's defenses. They finally engaged the squinty-eyed sociopath in combat, and though Anna wanted nothing more than for Lloyd to swing his Exsphere-equipped fist so she would get the satisfaction of fracturing Kvar's skull, she was stuck on his hand as boting support instead._

_Even without her in the fray, the Cardinal ended up dead at their feet, broken and bloodied by the motley crew. All seemed fine...except Kvar had the tenacity of a cockroach and still tried to kill Lloyd._

_"Feel the pain! Of those inferior beings! AS YOU BURN IN HELL!"_

* * *

"...She did _what _to you?!"

"I told you already, Sheena kissed me, and it was awkward so I don't want to talk about it! ...You look pissed."

"That is hardly strong enough to describe what I am feeling."

"Yeah, but...just don't go berserk, she doesn't need to feel the pain or whatever."

Wh...was that Lloyd and Kratos?

Anna let out a pitiful moan and reached up to rub her eyes. However, there had been something else in her palm - another gloved hand - and it jolted when she moved.

"Anna?"

Blinking blearily, Anna was able to make out the fuzzy visage of auburn hair, wine-colored eyes, a pale face, purple clothes...

"Kratos..." That did it. Her brown eyes hardening, Anna reached up and smacked Kratos across the cheek, a loud SMACK resounding through the room.

Kratos was positively gobsmacked. "That slap was for..."

"For making our son nearly kill you, you moron! That boy's been through enough, you don't need to add to his load! And me too! Gah, you're such a...a suicidal numbskull!"

"...I see."

"Yes, you do see! You better see, because I swear that's all you ever say! You have no idea how much I've wanted to smack you silly this past year! Not telling Lloyd who you were or what you were planning, going back to Cruxis in the first place - have the past years finally deteriorated your old brain? I swear I'm going to-"

"Mom?" Anna froze mid-reprimand and Kratos halted his fit of shame as they both turned to Lloyd, the boy looking stunned by all means. "...Mom?" he repeated again, unsure of what else to say.

She smiled, her ire subsiding, and sat up fully, shaking the cot blankets off as she gave a weak wave. "Hi there, son."

Lloyd only hesitated an instant before he tackled his mother in a hug, with her immediately embracing him in return. "It really is you...I was right...you came back..."

She smiled as she rubbed Lloyd's back (oh, she had hands again! Finally!). Kratos simply sat there, looking more insecure than anyone had ever seen him save when he had proposed to his wife. Grinning at Kratos, deciding now was not the time for upbraiding him, she held out an inviting hand.

Kratos frowned at the hand, indecisive about if Anna had truly forgiven him, and if Lloyd would accept any contact... Anna impatiently rolled her eyes and gave her hand a shake. Kratos sighed and released his distant attitude, hopefully for good. He took her hand - and she yanked him into an Aurion sandwich, Lloyd squeezed between them like the cream of an Oreo.

Lloyd's eyes bugged out at the new, firmer contact, and he gawked up at Kratos. The seraph was blushing as red as Lloyd's jacket - Lloyd knew he was too - and he looked started, but he didn't back out. Tilting his head down, Lloyd smiled to himself a secret smile...or so he thought. Kratos noticed Lloyd's little grin and widened his eyes, but he still tightened the hug and slowly rested his chin on Lloyd's head...

"I finished it! I finished the antido - oh, am I interrupting something?"

Lloyd hurled himself out of the family moment, flinging himself so hard that he smashed into the ground with a loud thud. Kratos emerged from the Kodak moment with his cheeks still red, and he coughed into his hand to hide it. Anna just laughed.

"No, you're fine! We're fine!" Lloyd hollered a little too loudly to be sincere. Kate, holding a vial in her hands, looked unconvinced, so Lloyd chuckled nervously and changed the subject. "So, uh, is that the antidote for Zelos?"

Kate pushed up her glasses smartly and nodded. "Yep. I followed the recipe and Kratos's...advice to a T, so it should work perfectly. The only catch is that he'll have to ingest it directly, so you'll need to force-feed him."

"Will you manufacture more?" Kratos inquired, having long since masterfully overcome his embarrassment.

"I already have all our scientists on it. Don't worry, they'll - GAH!" the scientist suddenly shrieked as someone knifed her in the back, her attacker calmly taking the antidote from her grip.

Lloyd, Kratos, and Anna all jumped to their feet and drew their weapons, with Lloyd letting out a reflexive, "What the hell?!"

Letting Kate collapse, Zelos aloofly stepped over the bloodied half-elf girl and gave Lloyd a dark, commanding look. "I'm afraid you'll be coming with me now, Lloyd."

* * *

**Just one more chapter left, guys! Now...if only everyone actually reviewed. **

**So yeah, who's creeped out by the suddenly creepy Zelos? Though he was actually a jerk all along...**


	6. Uke versus Seme

**This one is dedicated to all you fellow procrastinators out there who should really be studying but aren't because we're not a bunch of crazy Ravenclaws! ...Or maybe you are a Ravenclaw, in which case I am sorry if I just offended you. Oh, and to whoever wrote "Happy" since that's ironically my writing anthem now. Because when I'm writing I'm actually clapping along...And it's even dedicated to my lone reader from the Czech. If you're still reading this, you are the shiny Pokemon of my eye! **

**Disclaimer: I disclaim you, Tales!**

**This chapter: INTENSE STUFF, MORE INTENSE STUFF, EVEN MORE INTENSE STUFF, AND ooh, look, family fluff and coffee!**

**Anna's fighting style is based off Yuri's from Vesperia, with his wolf moves removed and some others sprinkled in instead, like no Wolf Strikes and more Tiger Blades. I'm not going to lie, mixing real martial arts with the game's gravity-defying stunts is annoying. **

* * *

**Uke versus Seme **

"You..." Kratos snarled at Zelos.

"What are you doing here?!" Lloyd hollered in rage, worriedly glancing at Kate.

"And what are you wearing?!" Anna couldn't help but blurt.

The best way to describe Zelos's battle gear was that it was his S&M armor: Sex and Mortal Kombat. The pervert's ominous expression didn't fade as he flaunted his armor a little, which consisted of a few crisscrossing leather straps and metal pieces paired with a man-thong. "Do you like it, Lloyd?" he said in a worrisome flat tone, anger barely making his voice quiver. "I only dress in the best, whether I'm going out to get laid or maybe murder an angel or two. Wouldn't you know it, but today I came for both those reasons."

Hearing Kate moan quietly, he lashed out with his strappy boot, crushing her ribs and kicking her aside. "Stop it!" Lloyd howled furiously, swinging one sword through the air as if practicing to cut down Zelos. "Let her go!"

Zelos arched a slender red eyebrow, indulging Lloyd with an amused look. "Let her go? You don't understand yet, Lloyd, do you?" Lloyd shuddered as Zelos slowly spoke his name, rolling his tongue on the double L's. This wasn't warfare to the brainwashed man, it was _fun. _"I don't think so. Don't you see, you foolish uke of mine? All of these people are purposely keeping you away from me!"

"Lloyd is free to go where he chooses," Kratos hissed at Zelos, looking very much ready to play another game of baseball with Zelos's head.

"Lloyd? You can't be serious!" Zelos cackled, coldly rolling his eyes. "He only came to Cruxis because of you two! As far as I'm concerned, you two have sealed your fates. He would have stayed with me if no one was there to sway him otherwise-"

"That's enough," Lloyd spoke up, his muscles tensing.

"Of course, he'll have to pay for all this too-"

"I SAID THAT'S ENOUGH!" Lloyd roared in outrage, rushing at Zelos and, with a spin, hurling the philanderer away with a blast of mana. The Beast attack made the angel stumble but Lloyd did not yet follow it up with another barrage.

"No one makes my decisions, no one but me! I may fit into what you think is an uke, but you're wrong about me, Zelos! Wanna know why? Because I _am _your equal, I am strong enough to stand up for myself, and I am sick of your seme-uke garbage!"

Zelos was practically frothing at the mouth, but before he could reply he was interrupted by gunshots. With both of them roaring like savages, Pronyma and Colette rolled into the room, engaged in a deadlock. Their brawling was intense, with Colette swinging one metal fist and trying to blow Pronyma's brains out with the other, and Pronyma keeping Colette's gun-arm at bay and clawing at the angel's face with talon-like fingernails.

While the real Zelos would have been delighted in the cat-fight, this seme just looked peeved. "Pronyma, we went over this! Don't interrupt me!" His eyes suddenly widened and the Pimp Master ducked, rolling aside as an axe swung overhead. Dodging Presea, Zelos drew his wings and flew into the air before Sheena could kick him while he was down.

Sheena cried out in agony as Zelos pummeled her with a cry of, "Hurricane Thrust!" The dagger piercing her right shoulder, Sheena collapsed and shielded her head.

Kicking Pronyma off her, Colette yelled out, "Hey, you bastard! Don't lay a finger on my soldiers!" Before Zelos could finish Sheena off, Colette raised her arm and fired, shooting Zelos right in the heart.

Or so she thought. Though the force propelled Zelos back a foot, he was otherwise unfazed, his chest remaining unscathed. "Ow?" he stated, looking befuddled and highly amused. "Was that supposed to hurt?"

"He has plot armor," Kratos muttered. Only Lloyd and Anna heard him.

Anna cocked her head to the side. "You're kidding, right?"

"What's plot armor?" Lloyd asked.

Kratos sighed, scanning the still-infuriated boy before explaining, "It means he is protected from random fatality. Unless a main character battles him, he will remain alive and mostly unharmed. So it must be one of us three, so it would seem."

Both Anna and Kratos glanced to the pervert Chosen laughing as Colette peppered him with bullets, to Presea using healing artes on Kate and Sheena, and to Pronyma staggering to her feet with death in her eyes. "Let's go, then," Anna murmured. The two of them moved to meet Zelos...

Only to be stopped by Lloyd. "Leave Zelos to me," he demanded, blocking their path with his Material Blades drawn.

"You're going to fight him alone?" Kratos spoke instinctively, but when the words tumbled out of his mouth he inwardly cringed. He had told Lloyd the same words before the duel at the Origin Seal, and like before...

"It's just something I have to do alone. He made it personal," Lloyd said, his normally jolly face devoid of cheer as he turned to Zelos. The Chosen was now dueling with Colette, each of them with their wings drawn as they soared out of the room in a game of...cat and cat. There really wasn't a mouse in this instance, they were both predators.

"Besides," Lloyd added, "I owe a seme a beating."

He had really wanted to make that his dramatic exit, but two hands found their places on his shoulders, holding him back. Annoyed, he glanced over his shoulder and to his parents.

Kratos sighed but gave his shoulder a firm, reassuring squeeze. "Don't die, Lloyd." Telling him not to get molested would have been better, but he didn't want to scare Lloyd away from his challenge, even if Kratos really wanted to eviscerate Zelos personally.

Anna was a little more upbeat. "Kick him in the nads for me, Lloyd!" she grinned.

"A-Anna!"

"Oh come on, Kratos, he knows what nads are! You can't shelter him forever!"

"Uh...yeah. I'm gonna go now. Thanks, guys..."

"...We're still tailing him, right?" Anna asked once Lloyd was gone.

"Of course we are. It is a relief to know he is almost certainly plot armored, though. Now I have much less to worry about."

"But he may not be safe even as a main character. Look at Boromir!"

Kratos rolled his eyes. What was it with Anna and Lord of the Rings? "..."

"Then again, Boromir was Sean Bean, he had to die _somehow..._"

"You're only causing me to worry about Lloyd again," Kratos muttered with a huff.

"And other main characters have died, who's to say Lloyd is safe?" Anna rambled. She noticed Kratos tense up but assumed it was in reference to her worried babbling. "Anakin Skywalker dies, Aeris dies - spoiler alert for that one! Everybody in The World Ends With You and Game of Thrones - ANOTHER Sean Bean death - and every superhero ever-"

"GUARDIAN!" Kratos sprinted in front of Anna and raised his bat defensively, generating an impenetrable, seafoam green shield. Pronyma's Agarazium arte bounced harmlessly off the forcefield, and Kratos and Anna composed themselves, facing the Ranch's lieutenant.

She had several dozen guards with her, and since Presea had dragged off Sheena and Kate they were alone. "Ah, love. How _touching," _Pronyma sneered.

Giving her sword an experimental flip (Kratos did not approve), Anna retorted, "Isn't your love just down the hallway? Why don't you go hassle Zelos instead of us?"

"Don't mock me!" Pronyma shouted, a tendril of green hair falling into her wild eyes. She looked more unkempt than Kratos had ever seen her. Her green hair was tousled every which way, her magitchnology contraption remained unpolished, and her makeup for once was missing. She actually looked better than before, aside from the anguished mien she bore.

"It isn't fair!" she ranted on. "Why is it that you two get to have your happy ending? Why do you two get to have your love when the Pimp Master doesn't care about me? All he wants to do is - is pork your little _spawn!" _

The couple glowered and seethed at the "pork" comment but didn't attack just yet. There was despair in Pronyma's eyes, a grief that moved Kratos to - dare he say it - pity. He felt sorry for her, sympathized with her need to love and be loved despite the unrequited nature of her feelings. Yet...yet those who fell into despair were prone to desperate acts, and that made him more wary than pitying.

"If I can't be loved...then why should you be?!"

The soldiers all fanned out, fell into formation, and Kratos and Anna rolled aside to evade the first of Pronyma's many Dark Spheres. "How many can you handle?" Kratos calmly asked Anna as he nonchalantly beat down the first three of his endless assailants.

"While I think you could handle most of them - Cerberus Strike!" She punched a woman with one hand, knocking her into the path of Kratos's crushing bat. "...One-handed, unarmed, and blindfolded, I'll take a dozen or two off your hands!"

They set to work calmly taking down the soldiers in a detached manner, because unnamed NPCs aren't real people and don't deserve any regard. Unlike Kratos, who generally flitted between heavy melee fighter and killer spell caster when needed, and Lloyd, a frontline brawler to the core despite his impressive agility, Anna favored a hit-and-run style. She'd dart in, slash her sword a few times, make use of a few martial arts she'd learned back in Luin, and maybe improvise here and there. Then she'd rush out again, feinting her way around the battlefield and faking the soldiers out.

"Lightning Bla-Super Lightning Blade!"

Anna couldn't hold back a chuckle. He was still doing that glitchy, funky stutter. Anna decided to ignore artes for now and focus on straight-up dueling. As a particularly muscular woman charged her, Anna stamped her foot to the left in a fake, then darted to the right and swung her leg upward in a hook-and-heel kick. Her heel smashed into the back of the woman's neck, somehow affecting her gall bladder (pressure points are so weird) and making her collapse. Snatching the woman's arm, Anna hurled her into the next incoming soldier and switched her sword into a reverse grip, impaling the guard behind her.

Another guard took the downed woman's place, and Anna parried the downward slash and shifted her own sword, gratingly sliding it across the woman's sword to deflect it while slitting the guard's hand. Keeping her elbows tight, Anna ducked down and neatly slashed through the woman's side, ending that particular fight.

"Heads up!" she bellowed to Kratos. Leaping over the angel, who shuffled away and smashed his bat into an axwoman's blade, Anna flicked her sword up and down with a cry of, "Heavy Tiger Blade!"

Not a millisecond behind her was Kratos, who thrust out his palm and made the woman's hair frizz as he declared, "Thunder Blade!"

"The usual?" Anna grinned as she stepped alongside Kratos. When the pseudo-mercenary nodded, she jumped high above everyone as lightning was infused with her blade. The sword now an electrified nightmare, Anna brought it down on an archer, shouting, "Lightning Tiger Blade!"

Now this narrator could bore you all with more highly technical fighting, or she could get back to why you're all really here: stupid humor. To her dismay, she's deciding to be a people-pleaser. Time passed...and passed...and passed...

"They keep multiplying!" Kratos seethed in complaint, sidestepping the thousandth stab and impressively swinging his bat diagonally to crack yet another jaw, despite the top-weight of the bat not really wanting him to fight at such close distances. Kratos continued to perform as the battlefield's MVP, but like the heads of a hydra two more guards replaced the one his bat full-on beheaded. Hail Hydra!

Anna scanned the battlefield for some sort of salvation from the endless torrent, but instead all she found were more problems. "Kratos, they have mages now!"

Unfortunately, Kratos was a bit preoccupied with the dozens of women ganging up on him, screaming about his fluffy hair and what they wanted him to do with Yuan, Mithos, Genis, and more assorted males. Swinging one leg in a roundhouse to knock the wind out of an encroaching female, he replied, "I'm a tad busy, Anna!"

"But they're too far away, I won't make it-"

"You're an angel now, yes you will!"

Anna hesitated, thought that over, mindlessly smashed her forearm into a woman's throat and kicked her knee out, finished the woman off with a downward jab to the neck joint, and then finally remembered. "Oh, duh..."

Drawing her angelic green wings, she pushed herself through the air, but she paid for not recalling important personal facts in time.

"You ready for this?" taunted the Ranch mage, doing some sort of magical jig...dance...thing... Seriously, this narrator has no idea what the Desian mages do when they cast spells, it just looks like an ill-timed Macarena. _"Icicle!"_

Clumsily flapping her newfound wings, Anna sailed over the pathetic spell and, descending like a klutzy archangel, pierced the mage's chest and immediately pulled back. Keeping her elbows tight to maximize speed, she flew back a few feet and revolved 360 degrees, chopping down several soldiers and keeping many more at bay. "Azure Edge!" she cried with a slash, letting a blue wave of energy take out the soldiers she had missed.

Kratos was done fooling around. Releasing his rarely drawn wings, Kratos climbed toward the ceiling and chanted as quickly and efficiently as he could.

_"Sacred powers..." _

"Cerebus Strike!"

_"Cast your purifying light upon these corrupt souls..." _

"Fang Strike!"

_"Rest in peace, sinners!" _

"Why do we always say the names of the attacks we use?!"

"_Judgment!" _the angel bellowed with an eye-roll at his wife. How dare she question them wasting their breath by naming every attack they used!

The last of the guards were all fried faster than gingers on a beach during a heat wave. Anna and Kratos didn't even get to do victory poses, examine the items their enemies had dropped, or inexplicably take a break to cook some miso stew or shortcake before Pronyma batted at Anna.

With the air of an inexperienced flier (this was so _weird _to her), Anna backpedaled and was only nicked by the half-elf's scepter, but she still earned herself a nice, oozing gash on the forehead. Pronyma smashed her scepter down on Anna's own sword, while the angel fended off the blades of Pronyma's magitechnology as well as an Agarazium.

Gnashing his teeth in deathly ire, Kratos swooped through the air with speed beyond even most angels. Here's the big secret behind most fights: Reality is nothing like Dragon Ball Z. Fights one-on-one rarely last minutes, and this was especially true when swords, or seraphim, were involved.

Pronyma's final Dark Sphere was a futile last ditch effort; it shaved Kratos's skin, but he was Kratos Aurion, angel of Cruxis and arguably the biggest badass in the entire Tales series. "Anna!" he yelled as he descended.

The lesser angel recognized his tone and swiftly tossed up her sword. Dropping his bat, Kratoa, a blur of purple and red, took the sword and ran Pronyma through, flicking the blade upward and kicking off her chest as a fireball erupted into existence and hit the half-elf. "Hell Pyre!"

Kratos touched down a few feet away, grimacing as he wiped blood from his eyes. Pronyma, on the other hand, crumpled, her body shuddering as she coughed. "M-Master...Zelos...forgive me..." She heaved one last shudder and did not rise again.

Anna bowed her head. That had been brutal. She had seen thousands of humans, elves, and half-elves die throughout her hellish life, but it was never something she could overcome, the sorrow. "...I kind of feel bad for her. That whole time she just wanted to be with Zelos, didn't she? The yaoi...it just made her feel less lonely."

Kratos wiped the blade clean and returned it to Anna, hair obscuring his weary wine eyes. "No matter what happened, he wouldn't have loved her anyways. This authoress had no intention of letting anything but smut happen in this realm. Her love for Zelos must have been a random development, though why I am not sure. Either way, she was doomed from the start."

"I can't wait to leave this place."

"Nor can I."

* * *

This sure was a crappy time for Lloyd to get lost. Though the Eternal Swordsman was sprinting down the twists and turns of the base with laudable endurance, Zelos and Colette evaded him, outpacing Lloyd thanks to their wings. They weren't in sight but Lloyd could still hear Colette cursing and Zelos sneering. Odd, they were so far away...why did they sound so loud?

Reaching a corner, Lloyd kicked off the wall to maintain speed and continued running. He needed to find them. He had to save everyone, from Zelos to Colette to all those alternate versions of their friends...

An unearthly scream turned Lloyd's blood to ice and set his soul to bleeding. That...that was Colette...

"ZELOS, YOU BASTARD!" he hollered in rage, running in the direction of that bone-chilling, ear-splitting shriek. It wasn't that far away...

"Lloyd?" Zelos's voice purred his name, lacing the innocent word with dark, ugly, and dangerous intent. "I've been waiting for you, Lloyd..."

When Lloyd turned through a door and entered a Cruxis hangar, he felt his breath leave him and his eyes water. Colette was slumped against the wall, unconscious or worse, a gaping wound in her stomach. "COLETTE!"

She cracked a cranky eye open to glare at Lloyd. "Th-That's...Master Chief...Brunel..." Lloyd couldn't sigh in relief just yet, even though Colette was sluggishly reaching for a pouch of gels strapped to her waist. "Come off it, Aurion...I've had worse...oh, dammit..."

Breath stifling, Lloyd started toward the wounded girl but was impeded by a cry of, "Satalagmite!"

A torrent of rocks erupted from the earth. Thinking fast, Lloyd kicked off one rock and jumped back to safety, twisting to glare at Zelos.

The philanderer held out his arms, either seeking a hug or asking, "ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?" Lloyd did not hug him in return, nor did he acknowledge the possible _Gladiator _reference since he'd never seen that movie.

"It's nice to get some alone time, isn't it?" Zelos began. "Just you and me, Lloyd, and no one to get in my way."

"No one but me," Lloyd growled in reply, hacking at the air with one sword.

Zelos clearly hadn't been expecting such a rebellious response from Lloyd. "I'm sorry, what did you say, my little kitten?"

"I'm not your little plaything, Zelos! I'm not your uke, I'm not your bride, and I'm sure not your little kitten!"

Zelos flashed Lloyd an indulgent smile normally bestowed upon toddlers. "And I imagine your papa and the angels told you _this _could 'save' me?" He dangled the antidote vial before Lloyd's eyes and mimed dropping it, getting a kick out of Lloyd's panicked expression. "Aww, you look adorable when you're like that!"

"Take me seriously, dammit!" Lloyd hollered as he bombarded, furiously stabbing in a silent Sonic Sword Rain. He tried to knock the vial from Zelos's hand but the Pimp Master pivoted away from Lloyd's jabs, catching the blades that came close with his shield.

"You want me to take you seriously?" Zelos murmured, an ominous fire burning in his eyes as he spoke in such a quite, foreboding tone. "Alright then, Lloyd...I think it's time you received some punishment anyway!"

Zelos flared his orange wings, Lloyd tightened his grip on his swords, Colette moaned quietly against the wall, and some random smart-aleck decided to play "Beat the Angel" on the Cruxis intercom.

Lloyd knew he had to be careful in this fight. He couldn't let Zelos defeat him, and he sure couldn't let Zelos turn him into one of his...bondage slaves. On the other hand, he couldn't hurt Zelos badly either, and that meant Lloyd had to hold back. And when someone held back, they usually couldn't fight as well as they liked...

"No holding back anymore, Lloyd!" Zelos taunted as he stuffed the vial in one of his straps, snapping it tightly over the antidote like a rubber glove over the hand of an airport security man. "I have a fire in my loins only you can sate, and I can't hold back my urges anymore!"

"...Ewwww!" was all Lloyd said as he rushed Zelos, feinting left but going right with a ripple of blue energy. As graceful as ever, Zelos backflipped away and replied with two waves of his own, but Lloyd sailed through the air, spinning like a bladed Sonic the Hedgehog.

"Psi Tempest!" he cried, giving Zelos a bit of a haircut and slicing into the side of his face. Lloyd didn't escape unscathed either, his reckless barrage leaving him vulnerable to Zelos's upward spear that barely grazed his side.

Lloyd bit his lip, shook aside the pain, and spun to create en energy blast, but again Zelos avoided it, this time taking to the air and pummeling Lloyd with a Hurricane Thrust the swordsman hardly managed to block with a Guardian.

Soaring away from Lloyd, Zelos raised his sword and focused. "...Burn, baby! Eru-"

Well, when in doubt, do crazy crap!

"AAAAAAAAAAH!" If anyone bothered to look, they would've gotten the amusing show of Lloyd trying to cleave through Zelos's straps and free the vial. As it was, Colette couldn't see them from where she was recuperating, but Lloyd succeeded, chopping off Zelos's "shirt" and a portion of Zelos's chest, like Lloyd was a butcher and Zelos was a ham at Lloyd's deli. True, Zelos was already a ham, but that was besides the point.

Zelos sunk like a lead ball in a swimming pool, while Lloyd deftly caught the vial in the same hand wielding Vorpal and grinned victoriously. Now to just force feed Zelos-

Lloyd shrieked in torment as a thin beam of heavenly light pierced his torso and grand, glowing chains bound him in place - having been dealt this much damage, Zelos was now ready to initiate one of those damned Mystic Artes. "Struggle against these sexy chains...SHINING BONDAGE!"

The mana chains all but exploded, lashing into Lloyd and lacerating his skin, leaving the Eternal Swordsman a mess. Lloyd moaned as the mana chains dissipated, barely keeping himself from collapsing in a heap.

Zelos slowly, proudly strode up to Lloyd, a despicable smirk on his face as he eyeballed the bloodied, so-called uke. Lloyd ducked his head and concealed his determined grimace. He only had one shot at this, he'd probably faint from blood loss afterward. He rested all his weight on Flamberge, bracing himself for his epic last stand. He'd beaten _Kratos _before, for crying out loud, compared to that Zelos was a cake walk.

"Face it, little kitten," Zelos purred in delight at Lloyd's wounded, crumpled form. "Your fighting was doomed to fail from the start." He knelt to Lloyd's eye level and painfully gripped Lloyd's chin, making exhausted brown meet malicious green while he petted his cheek. "Why bother denying me something that's justly mine?"

Lloyd smiled, making Zelos smile in return. Ah, Lloyd was finally seeing sense!

...But what Zelos had mistaken for a surrendering smile was actually a celebratory smirk at the opening Zelos had given him. "...Justly yours? Heh...I'll show you what's just!"

He mashed Flamberge and Vorpal into one another, forming the Eternal Sword and ensnaring the pervert in a gleaming trap of Lloyd's own. Roaring defiantly, Lloyd pointed his sword skyward and this Hero of Time (and Space) delivered a crushing blow, mana flaring out and smashing into Zelos's Achilles Heel: his groin.

Zelos shrieked like a ten-year-old girl at a Justin Bieber concert, clutched his wounded manhood, and whimpered, "My little Exspheres!" He uncerimonuiously keeled over, landing on his big old butt.

Lloyd wasn't done. He was still too pissed to be done. Leaping on top of Zelos, Lloyd gripped the Chosen by his girly, curly hair and pulled him into a punch...and another punch...and another...and another...until Lloyd nearly passed out and had no choice but to pry the jaws of lust open and pour the antidote down Zelos's throat. His job done, Lloyd sprawled onto his back, breathing heavily and steadily bleeding out.

"...Lloyd!" Two pairs of footsteps encroached Lloyd's ears. One headed off presumably in Colette's direction and the other approached Lloyd. He was lifted into strong arms and cradled like the smallest of children, and a voice like the Morgan Freeman of video games frantically asked, "Are you all right?" Kratos himself recoiled when he discovered the singed hole in Lloyd's torso, audibly hissing in sympathy.

Lloyd would blush under most circumstances but he didn't have enough blood to spare for his cheeks...nor did he actually have a problem with Kratos being this close. Not that he'd ever say that aloud. He nodded woozily, letting Kratos scan him for all his injuries. "Y-yeah...Jerk had to use a Mystic Arte b-but otherwise I...did awesome."

He felt rather than saw Kratos smooth his hair down, and he let out a reflexive sigh (Noooo, his manly pride was leaving him!) at both that and the wave of healing mana that washed over him.

"...Don't ever do that again," Kratos scolded, his stern voice not fully hiding his worry.

Lloyd grinned up at his father. "No promises, Dad."

* * *

"Why am I not allowed near him?"

"Because you are both sexual deviants and should be forbidden from meeting. And regarding the stunt you pulled on Lloyd-"

"Dad, what's a sexual deviant?"

"Wilder is one, Aurion."

"...Oh. Ewwww."

"Hey, I think he's waking up!"

"Ugh..." Blinking away eye-boogers, Zelos slowly and steadily opened his eyes, groaning as the blaring lights caused his vision to cloud over.

Once he was adjusted, he was greeted by the pleasant sight of a young, brunette, sword-toting hunny in red. "You're a sight for sore eyes! What's your name, hunny?"

His newfound hunny scowled and waved a hand in his face, a ring-clad hand. "I'm married!"

Zelos cockily smirked up at the hot chick. "Hey, babe, your husband doesn't have to know!"

"Oh, he already does," snarled a familiar baritone that turned Zelos's heart to ice. "And he happens to owe a certain Chosen One a vicious beating."

The promise of homicide in his eyes, Kratos marched towards Zelos's prone form, only to be halted by his own son. "Dad, you swore you wouldn't hurt him!"

Lloyd was defending him, thank Martel. Lloyd, his Bud, his...sweet little kitten? Huh?

Then it all came back to him. Pronyma hitting on Zelos, Kratos hitting on Zelos's skull, Zelos hitting on Lloyd...

All the angels in the room (and Lloyd) clutched their sensitive ears and cringed as Zelos emitted a bloodcurdling, horrified squeal. "What the hell?! Why did I...and Lloyd...and why is my voice so high?!"

"My bad," Lloyd muttered, sheepishly scratching his head as he recalled the Falcon's Crest to the balls.

"Lloyd - Ugh...I need mouthwash, I'm so grossed out!"

"Calm your tits and don't be such a drama queen, you dumb bastard," Colette said, offering the Chosen a glass of water.

Zelos gawked at Colette spewing out no-no words, then leveled a glare on Kratos. "You've got some explaining to do..."

* * *

"You really don't remember this authoress chick?" Anna asked in disbelief. "Not at all?"

"Nope," Zelos replied with a shake of his head.

Only him, Anna, Lloyd, and Kratos remained in the room. The battling outside was all finally over, at least, and everything was getting settled. The fate of the world went to Cruxis, the brainwashing cure went to the ukes and semes, and Toontown went to the Toons! Therefore, Colette and the other angels had gone to bring in semes and ukes for the cure.

"All I remember is blonde," Zelos admitted. "A sexy, sexy blonde. Trust me, if I could remember her instead of gay old me, I'd be pretty thrilled."

"I never thought I would ever say this," Kratos grudgingly conceded with a sigh, "but it is good to have you back, Chosen."

"Heh," Zelos smirked, though it faded as he looked at Lloyd. "So, uh...Lloyd. No hard or awkward feelings, right?"

Lloyd shuddered but shrugged. "Nope, none. I'm just glad that's over, brainwashed you was an absolute creep. And I thought you were bad like this!"

"Gee, _thanks, _Bud." He winced for the fifth time and massaged between his legs, making Kratos facepalm and Anna look away in disgust. "By the way, you owe me a new pair of nuts. These hurt like a mother." Glancing to Anna, he seductively wiggled his eyebrows. "And speaking of a mother, Hot Mama here is actually quite the MIL-"

The agony he had managed to massage away returned as Anna slammed her foot into Zelos's pelvis. "Don't call me that! I swear I'll-"

"AIEEEEEEE!" Any further emasculating was foiled, since all four of them turned to gawk as a blue-haired man in a maid's outfit fled from a voluptuous ninja. "Get away from me! You're not trying to cure me, you're trying to molest me!"

Rolling her eyes, Sheena summoned a pair of indigo wings and tackled Yuan to the ground, giggling to herself. "Just take a little bit of the antidote, you sexy thing. Do I need to feed it to you?"

"No, I refu-"

"Why helloooooo, Miss Jubilees!" Kratos audibly groaned and quietly contemplated seppuku as Zelos practically salivated over Sheena's half-naked form.

Glancing up from Yuan, Sheena gave Zelos and his S&M gear a once-over and smiled. "Is that a dagger in your man-thong or are you just happy to see me?"

Tilting his head, Zelos inquired, "Huh? Man-thong?" Gazing down at his raunchy attire, Zelos finally figured out what she was talking about. "Haha, I haven't dressed like this since I was sixteen!"

"Too much information," all three Aurions said in unison, with Lloyd miming vomiting.

"But for real, my voluptuous beauty, what do you say to getting down with a real man instead of that poser?"

"Finally, someone who understands my needs!" Sheena exclaimed giddily.

But Zelos didn't even take a step before Kratos swept his legs out from underneath him. "No," said Kratos the courageous, commendable cockblock as he carted away the Chosen.

"But-"

"No. We are leaving."

"Just let me take a picture!" Zelos implored, reaching into his pack and pulling out a camera he had used at the Yaoi Ranch. Considering all that happened there, he'd probably want to delete all the film after this...

"I just said-" And then Kratos glanced from Sheena to Yuan, cowering on the floor in the maid's outfit, and a devious plan flitted into his mind. As stated long before this, Kratos was really more of a Gryffindor than a Slytherin. Being the epitome of a knight in shining armor during his early years, he vehemently loathed most trickery...yet they really needed a consistent way of forging the character antidote and there wouldn't be laboratories in every world.

Logically, the best choice would be for their Yuan to manufacture the antidote and modify it as needed, but he wouldn't lend his aid without persuasion. Persuasion like this.

Stealing the camera from Zelos, Kratos let the Chosen fall on his bruised little Deku Nuts and captured a pic of Yuan the sobbing maid, who by now had mascara running down his face in tear-tracks. Lloyd took on the duty of dragging away Zelos, and Anna leveled her husband with a suspicious grin.

"Did you take that picture for the reason I think you did?" she asked.

He smiled faintly but didn't answer. "Lloyd, we will be taking a slight detour before we enter the next realm."

"Got it, Dad. Bye, Sheena! Bye, Yuan!"

Zelos clawed desperately at the ground, in too much anguish to really fight back. "Bud, let me go! I need to go back! Lloyd, no! All my fantasies right down the drain! Whyyyyy?!"

* * *

So the Eternal Swordsman and the War God now had the Gigolo and the Angelus Project. That was no big deal, they mattered little to Her Eminent Gorgeousness.

Giggling to herself, the authoress adorably fluttered her long eyelashes that belonged in a Maybelline ad and typed some more commands into her computer. Lloyd and Kratos sure had made her last game fun! She sure hadn't expected the resurrection of the brat's dead mom, though. It was a shocker even to her, and it intrigued her, intrigued her most indeed! Indubitably, Her Royal, Ravishing, Pulchritudinous Beautifulness need to investigate that. No one should be able to manipulate the fanfic realms like that except her, and even Origin wasn't strong enough to bring back the dead...

"My Liege!" Her glistening smile widening, the Grand, Glorious Pinnacle of Awe spun in her chair and faced her little servant boy. True, she really should have inserted Genis Sage into a fanfic like the rest of the crew, but truthfully she both wanted to keep a last resort and she also wasn't sure what other fanfics to make. So for now he was the new errand boy, fetching documents and anything else she needed.

"Your latte, My Liege!" Genis said, offering Her Resplendent, Sumptuous Lady of Fan Fiction a paper cup from Khar-Bucks.

"Why thank you, Genie!" she said, taking a sip-

And spitting it back out all over Genis. "DAMN YOU AND YOUR ICED COFFEE, LLOYDIE!"

* * *

**And the first act has finally come to a close! Thanks out to everyone who favorited and followed, and especially those who reviewed. **

**I'm going to be taking a short break to get this next act all organized as well as to work on my original story. This fic is outlined (at about thirty chapters or more), but I just want to make sure the next update is as chock-full of jokes as these!**

**Next time in Through the Realm of Fandom: The team of four all journey to an even more terrifying realm, known to many as a hell on earth...high school.**


	7. One (Giant Kharlan) Tree Hill

**"Now, Miss Lisa, please...tell me what happened?"**

**"It was awful, Mister Psychiatrist. I just...I can't...I did something horrible. For the sake of research, I...I...I READ SOME HIGH SCHOOL AUs!"**

**"EGAD! You're insane!"**

**So yep, I am forever scarred by some of the stories I read for the sake of this fic. You guys owe me! ****The plot is fully outlined now. I am going places with the whole antidote thing, it's only one piece of the puzzle. It'll be thirty chapters if I have everything planned out right and nothing will be tacked on, but since some character arcs are shorter than the others I may extend those. In fact, I cut this chapter short so you guys could get an updates while I finish with all my finals and essays. **

**One other thing: I'm on Tumblr, guys! I go by Lloyd-The-Barista and yes, I am a Tales poster primarily. Feel free to look me up!**

**Disclaimer: ...Yep. And I Googled the pick-up lines. **

* * *

**One (Giant Kharlan) Tree Hill **

"Well, I have a lot of questions, but first off, why is the Chosen in bondage gear and how the hell is your wife miraculously alive?"

Yuan's question had been expected but still Zelos and Anna were offended. "Don't hate me 'cause I'm beautiful," Zelos scoffed with a fabulous hair flip.

Anna, on the other hand, leveled Yuan with a glare worthy of a basilisk. "Ka-Fai."

"Hmph. Aurion."

Lloyd, Kratos, Anna, and Zelos had been ushered into Yuan's office, and all it had taken to get invited inside the base was the mention of Lloyd's name to the guard on duty. Speaking of Lloyd, the swordsman in question, seated comfortably at Yuan's desk, peered from the Renegade leader to his mom. "...Did I miss something here?"

Yuan sniffed but didn't take his eyes away from his and Anna's staring contest. She'd blink and lose sooner or later, he just knew it! Anna, determined to win as well, still informed her son, "I got into a nasty snark contest with him once and he never forgave me."

"You called me Rainbow Brite Jedi Barbie!" Yuan heatedly objected.

"Well, you called me Kratos's lab rat booty call!"

"Hmph...skank."

"You still have a pole shoved up your anus!"

"Wannabe angel!"

"Medieval Times reject!"

"You have the cooking skills of an inebriated Raine Sage!"

"And Orlando Bloom as Legolas was a manlier elf than you!"

"YOU TAKE THAT BACK!"

"_Answering your question,_" Kratos interrupted, sick and tired of his wife and occasional best friend bickering. "We recently rescued Zelos from his time spent as a fan fiction seme, and Origin helped resurrect Anna with wild fan fiction mana, although I'm still not entirely sure how."

"...Please tell me I only imagined you saying you went into fan fiction," Yuan moaned.

"I'm afraid not. Our other traveling companions still remain trapped as well."

"How bad was Zelos?"

"He led a Yaoi Ranch and stalked Lloyd," Kratos deadpanned with the residue of anger dripping from his tone.

"And I don't want to talk about it," Lloyd muttered, distracting himself by spinning in Yuan's spiffy swivel chair.

"Some crazy authoress brainwashed me," Zelos growled, trying to justify his gross behavior. "They got some scientists to make the antidote, though I'm still not sure how I was brainwashed in the first place. Of course, Papa K here still went berserk like some weird angel mixture of Mufasa and Gru."

"Who is Gru?" Kratos asked. He knew who Mufasa was, that movie had come out in Tethe'alla while he had still been with the adorable, toddling Lloyd. He didn't like that comparison; Kratos didn't plan on getting trampled by wildebeests...

Yuan didn't answer, but instead exclaimed, "You aren't kidding, he is Gru!"

"Dude, you've seen Despicable Me?!" Zelos said with a grin.

"Everyone's seen Despicable Me...except these three uncivilized folks, apparently."

"Seriously, he's Gru with hair and without the nose or accent!"

He really bore a resemblance, though: A man who worked with the bad guys until fatherhood came into his life and that particular bundle of joy turned his life upside-down. He wanted to go to the moon/a comet, he had a plan that involved his child(ren) despite not telling the kid how vital he was to the plan, his arch nemesis wore reeeeaaaallllly tight clothing, he was socially awkward in multiple aspects and he loved being a father despite being forced to "dress up" every now and then. Even the personalities were similar, down to the grumpiness! Now he just needed some minions...

Feeling bamboozled and uncomfortable, Kratos coughed and brought the train on course again. "Concerning the antidote," he said, changing the topic, "we need you to manufacture it for us and modify it as needed, maybe even figure out the source of the brainwashing in the first place. We don't have a guaranteed way of making the antidote ourselves."

"Denied," Yuan blurted, an outraged scowl crossing his face...his usual expression, really. "I swore to never so much as ponder fan fiction again, not after last time. That topic is dead to me."

Though Zelos desperately desired to know what had happened (Kratos wasn't spilling), he decided to blackmail now, snoop later. Sneaky little bastard was good at snooping. "Ah, we were afraid you would say that. So we brought a little...incentive."

With a grin wider than the Tower of Salvation was tall, Zelos flashed Yuan the picture of him sobbing in the maid's outfit.

"Be a real shame if all your Renegades saw this, wouldn't it?" Lloyd said cheekily.

Yuan looked like he wanted to rip Lloyd a new hole (Anise Tatlin, you still need to explain what that phrase means). However, he couldn't question the picture since it was him down to the last electric blue eyelash, and neither world had heard of Photoshop... "Where did you get this?!"

Anna was poking her head out the door, a gigantic smirk on her face. "Oh, guaaaards! Ka-Fai has something to show you!"

"I'll make that door slam on your hooker head, Aurion!"

"Do that and I'll finally kill you," Kratos threatened.

Anna was still shouting out the door. "Free scandal! Step right up and feast your eyes on a fabulous, lace-clad-"

"Alright!" Yuan interjected, looking like he wanted to go on a rampage worse than the nastiest of toddlers trying to get their mother to buy them candy at the supermarket. "I'll make your damn antidote!"

Lloyd grinned and pumped his fist. "Awesome! When we need it I'll just have Origin run as our delivery guy!"

_"Excuse me?" _broke in the king of summon spirits.

"Well, it's the only way this will work!"

"Then it's set," stated Kratos. "We'll keep the picture as insurance in case you begin being a coward again. I'll keep a communicator on hand."

Anna relented in her teasing, returning to her husband's side. "So...to the next fanfic, then?"

"Yippee..." Zelos muttered.

* * *

Origin let the fearsome foursome off on a paved road in front of an enormous brick building. While a disoriented Anna stumbled into and offset the discombobulated Lloyd and Zelos, Kratos scammed their surroundings. Landscaping, a tall flag pole, a few young adults in matching outfits giving them weird looks, and an adult or two in collared sweaters toting briefcases.

"Ugh, a high school AU," he muttered. To the others, he said, "Get off the road."

"Huh?" Lloyd stammered, feeling woozy still. "Why - WHOA!"

The three of them all stepped to the sidewalk as a hulking metal contraption blazed by, blowing smog in their nostrils and eyes as it passed. "What was that?" Anna exclaimed.

"A car," Kratos provided. "Common transportation in these alternate universes."

Zelos coughed in vexation at the gasoline emissions. "Yuck, this world is...hey, those are some sexy school uniforms over there!" he cried, practically growing a Tower of Salvation in his pants at the sight of the girls in their sleeveless shirts and plaid skirts.

The moment Zelos mentioned school, Lloyd froze like a deer in the headlights. "School?! ...We don't have to go in, right?"

Anna groaned and put her hands on her hips, turning on Lloyd with her brow furrowed. "This might do you some good, Lloyd! Chances are good we'll be going under cover here, so you better do your best to learn for once! Back me up, Kratos!"

Kratos nervously shuffled around, refusing to make eye contact with his wife or offspring, since his wife looked like the hellish Efreet having a bad day and Lloyd was giving him puppy-dog eyes so adorable that he just wanted to crush the kid in a hug. Their son wasn't book smart, but Anna was downplaying his emotional intelligence...and he only had so much longer with them, he really didn't want to have an argument.

The rememberance of his upcoming fate on Derris-Kharlan made the seraph cringe, hiding his self-loathing scowl behind his hair. "...Don't drag me into this, Anna."

"Thanks, Dad."

"Kratos, how could you!"

"That being said," Kratos pressed on, "Anna is right in saying we'll have to go undercover. Not only would fighting draw attention to ourselves, but most high school AUs are, while questionably filled with horrible people, devoid of anyone we would be morally correct in fighting."

Zelos grinned and slung an arm around Kratos's shoulders, an arm that was promptly gripped and used to judo throw Zelos. Okay, maybe there was one person Kratos would be in the right for fighting... "Hey, I was going agree with you, why - Why are those girls laughing at us?"

Zelos pouted at the sight of the nearby girls obviously mocking him by pointing and laughing. Gazing upon himself, he found his answer. "...We all look like a bunch of freaks."

"Hey!" Lloyd objected hotly, crossing his arms in such a Kratos-like fashion that everyone expected him to suddenly start critiquing Zelos's dreadful skill with the sword.

"Bud, we do! Other than your deliciously spicy mama - ACK, DON'T HIT ME LIKE THAT! - none of us are dressed in school fashion."

Kratos glanced down at his violet mercenary garb and scowled. Loath he was to admit it, Zelos was right. Between his swallow-tailed cape, his Kingdom Hearts-level of belts, and his tight pants that he swore were not yoga pants, Kratos looked more like a Japanese anime character than a normal human being. Anna at least had her conventional leggings and tunic, but Lloyd looked like your friendly neighborhood plumber and Zelos had the appearance of a stripper.

"What do you suggest?" Kratos sighed in defeat.

Zelos glanced at Kratos out of the corner of his eye and secretly smirked. "Let's see if we can go buy some clothes. I am the epitome of style after all, I can figure something out!"

* * *

"Welcome to Aseila High, home of our bloodthirsty mascot, the Cheagles!" greeted a cheerful old secretary, a familiar face by the name of Marble. "How may I - Oh, are you the cutest thing!"

This last remark was directed at Lloyd, now nicely attired in dress pants, a simple white button-down, and a red tie. Gone were the suspenders, the myriad of buttons, and the crazy flappy ribbons, but the red boots remained; Lloyd had been adamant about keeping at least a few items of red coloring on. Heck, he'd been more concerned about his boots than his Material Blades.

Lloyd took the remark in stride, figuring it was just an old lady thing to say. "We're here to meet with the principal?"

"Oh, you are already registered! Right this way!"

Marble exited the open office and the four exchanged dubious looks. "We're already arranged to be here?" Anna questioned.

"High school AUs tend to be flexible about things," Kratos clarified. "The loose nature of them permits sudden new students, irrational gossip, every person in school developing a childish crush on the new student..."

"Well let's use that to our advantage, and pray to God rumors about Zelos being pregnant or something equally strange don't happen," said Anna, and they all trailed after Marble despite Zelos sulking. Then they met the principal, who held out a cuffed hand for them to shake. As he shook it, Lloyd took note of a bizarre adornment on the man's immaculate suit: a simple name tag on his chest that read, "Hi, my name is Evil Principal!"

"I am Regal Bryant, principal of the world - I mean president of of the Cheagles - I mean the head honcho...here," he fumbled, awkwardly shaking hands with the four.

Kratos, meanwhile, had taken note of the name tag and had already discerned its presumable purpose. Of course, with this being a high school overflowing with judgmental students and teachers alike, he had expected people to have labels...but he sure hadn't expected it to be so literal.

Sighing, he tossed his gray and black striped scarf over his shoulders, crossed his arms over his plain black-clad chest, and lightly tapped a fine leather boot. He had already developed their backstories, now he just needed to hope he was correct about the flexibility of the high school AU. "I am Kratos Aurion, the new...creative writing teacher." Well, it was ironic enough of a position within a fanfic. "This is my wife Anna, the new guidance counselor, and also our son Lloyd, a new senior. With us is Zelos Wilder, a foreign exchange student who barely speaks a word of our language and will thus keep silent."

Zelos opened his mouth to protest but Anna clamped her hand over the big thing, muffling the philanderer. He may have looked nice in his school uniform, between its own pink tie and his beloved white headband, but little that came out of his mouth ever sounded nice. "Zelos asked if you could immediately write up schedules for him and Lloyd!"

As if this was all according to plan, Regal nodded curtly. "Of course. They're actually right here on my desk, along with your allergy information, dental plan, lunch money deposits, and wills in case of...unfortunate incident. I hope you two little punks behave yourselves, you don't want to end up like the last little girl that decided to stand up to the man."

Zelos wiggled a finger around his temple, miming the universal sign for "He's crazy!" Lloyd shrugged, Anna facepalmed, and Kratos blankly pointed to the name tag on Regal's bulky chest.

He passed out the papers required, though he hesitated while forking over Lloyd's. "If you need anything, just let me know, Lloyd Aurion."

"Uh...yeah. Thanks, Regal," Lloyd gratefully replied with a smile. At least he was safe in this fanfic.

Still, Regal leaned in toooooo close to Lloyd's face and whispered, "I mean it, Lloyd Aurion. Anything, any way you want it, that's the way you need it, baby..."

"Uh, that's nice! ...Gottagotakecarebye!"

* * *

"The hell was that?" Zelos questioned when Lloyd bolted out of the room towards his parents and friend.

Kratos normally wasn't one to jump to conclusions, but anymore when it came to Lloyd he overanalyzed _everything. _After the trauma he'd suffered in the world of the semes, Kratos and Anna had made a joint decision to be the most terrifying papa wolf and mama bear combo to ever grace the worlds. If anyone had unsavory ideas regarding their baby, Kratos was ready to aim for their jugular and Anna was prepared to use that jugular to play jump rope. Gory? Yes, but sadly this is how parenting works. "What did he do to you?!" Kratos growled.

"Wha-Nothing!" Lloyd said, flushing in embarrassment. "He just doesn't get personal space..." Moaning to himself, Lloyd gazed upon his schedule. "I've got history, shop class, writing, and anatomy today; tomorrow I've got P.E., political science, home ec, and chemistry." He was going to die. Homework was going to brutally murder him, stab him in the heart with a sharpened pencil and let him rot... "Let's find our friends and get out right away."

"I don't know," Anna mused, placing a hand on her chin. "This could be beneficial to you, having to focus in school."

"Moooom!"

"And it'll give Kratos a chance to see you in school! It'd make up for him not being there for you and for every failed test..."

She glared at her husband to make sure he agreed with her, but for once Kratos wasn't jumping to be her designated domestic doormat. She was right, he'd be there to see Lloyd off to school...a very twisted school, anyways. This would be his last chance too; after saving their friends they only had to face Mithos, and after that all that remained was his eternal exile on Derris-Kharlan...

He couldn't meet Anna's eye after that. She didn't know, and looking at her in this state only reminded him of how she was going to react once she knew...

For once in his life, Zelos threw Kratos a lifesaver, having been in hot water with a lady or two before and understanding the pain, though he misinterpreted the reason for Kratos's discomfort. "I've got writing, home ec, and chem with you, Bud," Zelos said, pocketing his own schedule. "Don't worry, I know how to make class a fun time."

"Who are the teachers?" Kratos inquired, peering over Lloyd's shoulder.

"Raine's got history of course, Dad - other Dad, Dad number two - has shop, Dad One here has writing, and..." His face suddenly went as white as the Sage siblings' hair, all the blood rushing out in sheer horror. Kratls also looked like a redheaded Casper the Friendly Ghost.

"Who's teaching anatomy?" Anna pushed, more than a little frightened.

It took Kratos some time to respond. "...Kvar," he finally spat, rage burning in his eyes. "Of course."

* * *

Lloyd never thought he was anything special. All his life he'd believed no one was better than anyone else, and that mixed with Genis's and Zelos's constant taunts about his "ugly" face had him confused. Mainly about why everyone in Raine's history class was staring at him like Zelos would a bunny in Altamira.

"We have a new student today, class!" Raine announced, waving a hand to Lloyd. A redundant gesture, really, everyone was already staring at the young swordsman anyways. "His name is Lloyd, Lloyd Aurion." The students all behaved like a hive mind and waved hello, each of them with an eager smile. "His family just moved here from Iselia, and he enjoys sparring, whittling, and playing with his protozoan!"

...How did she know that?

"He's a Libra, and his favorite subjects are P.E., art, and astronomy."

How did she know that?!

"He also enjoys beef-related dishes, has memorized every Dwarven Vow, and once went skinny dipping in the Temple of Water on a dare."

HOW DID SHE KNOW THAT?!

"Now, on the subject of the American Revolution..."

Long after Raine regretfully turned away from Lloyd and to the chalkboard, a timid hand poked Llohd on the shoulder, awakening the swordsman from his wonderful dream concerning Yuan's hair actually being made of delicious blue cotton candy.

"H-hi, L-L-L-Lloyd..." spoke a nasally, irritating voice. Lloyd found himself face to face with none other than Genis, whose face was in accordance with Lloyd's red boots. However, that wasn't the only peculiar thing about him: He also wore glasses fixed up with a whole wad of Scotch tape, pants hitched all the way up to his armpits, a hideous plaid sweater vest, and a name tag that read, "Hi, my name is Nerd!"

"Hey Genis," said Lloyd, braving it. "What's up?"

Genis's lip quivered and he furiously bit on it, shimmying to the left and right in his seat. "I...uh...um...how's your weather going...I mean your day is nice...uh...Sorry! Ugh!"

This behavior was eerily familiar to Lloyd, but he couldn't quite place his finger on it. "My day's fine and I wish I was outside instead of locked up in here. You?"

"I'm good. Um..." Shakily, Genis rifled through his pockets and produced a finely folded piece of notebook paper. With trembling hands, he carefully unfolded the paper and perused his own notes. "I heard from...from people that y-you were in my class, so I m-m-m-made this for you to show you what...what I'm hoping for..."

Well, it couldn't hurt to listen. Maybe this Genis would be helpful like Colette and the others back in the uke and seme realm. "Okay. Shoot."

"Here goes..." Genis inhaled deeply and just let his stuttering and anxiety melt away. "If I was an enzyme, I'd be helicase so I could unzip your genes."

...Huh?

Genis continued, oblivious to Lloyd's befuddlement. "I wish I was an ion so I could form an exothermic bond with you!"

...What was all this?

"I wish I were your second derivative so I could fill your concavities!"

...Seriously, huh?! "Genis, I'm sorry, but if you're asking me to help you on your homework then I really can't help you! ...And what's a hell-case?" Genis looked to be on the verge of tears. What had Lloyd said wrong?! All he'd done was admit to being stupid. "Hey, are you okay?"

"Um...I meant-"

Genis cried out in pain as a hand collided with his skull, sending him tumbling out of his seat. "Out of my way, Nerd!" cried, of all people, Lloyd's imposter from Sylvarant, clad in a leather jacket studded with hundreds of metal spikes and wearing a tag that said, "Hi, my name is Damn Teenage Punk Who Doesn't Play By the Rules!" The name was a tad too long, though, so while the first three words were all in enormous, bold letters, the final half of the name was scrawled in a two-point sized font that even a magnifying glass couldn't make out.

Taking Genis's seat, he leaned on an elbow and winked at Lloyd. "Sorry, but brats like him wouldn't be able to show you a good time like I could!"

"Don't hit Genis!" Lloyd hissed, leaning down to check on the alternate version of his best friend.

"Lloyd knows my name! Praise the Force!" Genis mumbled victoriously. Several envious students turned to throw paper wads at Genis in fits of jealous rage, and Raine even hurled her chalk at her brother's forehead before resuming the lesson, a nasty scowl on her face.

_Origin, is that the real Genis? _Lloyd thought, hoping the Summon Spirit could hear him.

As a reply, Origin spoke for Lloyd's ears only, _"No. I'll give you a hint: Two presences are in this school, one in this very room. Have fun guessing." _

_I don't care if you're an all-powerful Spirit. You're still a jerk. _

"Nerd's fine," the imposter scoffed. "And I'm sure you'd rather take a motorcycle ride through closed-off government property and graffiti the nursing home with a REAL MAN than crunch numbers with a little twerp."

...How many times did Lloyd have to be confused today?

"No fair, he's mine!" objected Colette's imposter, seated behind Lloyd's imposter and wearing a leather jacket over her school uniform as well.

"No, I called dibs! He's too cute for any of you!" said Raine's imposter, slapping Colette's.

"I...I want a ride with him...and on him..." Genis's imposter mumbled in the back.

"I told you guys, Lloyd is mine!" said Lloyd's imposter. "We have so much in common, it's like he's my better half! He's going to hook up with me and it'll be like that weird, stupid musical about the cool biker dude, only Lloyd's not wearing pink and I don't say names like Adele Dazeem!"

Lloyd wanted to gag. "Hey, I don't belong to any of you!" People were hitting on him again?! And then something creeped into Lloyd's mind, and Lloyd finally realized why Genis's stammering was so familiar.

_Pr-Pr-Preseaaaa! _

Mother of Martel, it wasn't just one person hitting on him this time. It was _everyone. _

* * *

**Sorry it was cut short. Again, I have essays and finals and work to do, so this is the best I could do until school gets out FOREVEEEEER!**


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